Dear Jake...

I felt you let go of my heart a few nights ago...I was wondering if it would break too, but it didn't.  It was beating strong...no cracks or leaks.  Even the leak in my eyes is getting better...it was close today though!  I listened to Hillary Weeks new song "This Is Not Your Home"...a song about sadness...and not wanting it to let it live in your heart...just passing through, ya know? 

Sometimes I wonder if there will come a day when the reality of your passing will hit me over the head and I will break down and cry uncontrollably...inconsolable.  But that is not the way I feel today.  I feel at peace, surprisingly...a little annoyed that my treasured visits with you, Uncle Jack, Uncle Phil, Uncle Jayson...all are taken from me..this year! 

I'm going to see grandpa Sweet soon.  Somehow I knew that it was ok not to cancel that trip...yet it will be different.  Part of my trips to New York were to visit with all my family...but now you can meet them...or you already have!

I hope someday...we can feel the physical hugs we have for each other...as much as we feel the love.  Thanks for not just taking off and leaving me so fast.  I know it's so awesome where you are...help me remember that!

I'm loving you....again...still!
Mom

Dear Jake....

Well, Jake...how was it? I woke up this morning feeling the stiffness in my hands and legs and the tightness of my back and thought...Jake doesn't have to feel this stuff anymore! He can walk and not be weary, he can run and not faint.

Was it as cool as I told you it would be? I know it is awesome where you are at. We will be missing you for a long, long time. I'm sitting in your room...listening to the silly fountain the guys got you. You're right...it is kinda calming.

I put a fresh pillow case on your pillow...the one Sylvia made you, and your golf quilt on the bed...the ones my friends came over and help make for you last Christmas. I look at the picture of Jesus and remember how you asked me if that was Zack...an honor for Zack that you would hallucinate that he and Christ were one in the same.

I know you were quick to forgive the pain I would cause you in trying to care for you...the shots, the chemo, the moving of the legs. I thought it the cruelest thing for a mother to have to do for her child...inflict the pain she so wanted to take away...but I promised you and God that I would take care of you. I promised I would help you through this last challenge. You were AWESOME buddy! You have touched so many hearts along the way...you and I will probably never know the extent of the ripples...but they are there bud!

You lived your short life...nothing was unfair about it. I am so sorry the last part was so painful for you...but God told me everything was going exactly the way He had planned for you and not to worry about a thing. I can't think of a more capable, awesome being to have in charge...and so I give it to Him...along with my broken heart...a heart only He can fix.

Be awesome, Jake! We will do our best to be awesome too! Thank you for being you, thank you for your love and the hugs you gave me every night. Thank you for wiping off...I mean, rubbing in my kisses. This hard journey has brought us closer...and I have no doubt that you know my love for you runs deeper into your soul...you will never be without it.

I'm missing you already!  I'm looking at so many pictures of your past...it doesn't seem like you are gone...and perhaps my heart and mind just haven't wrapped around the fact that you are really gone...This part really, really hurts!

In case you were wondering...



I know some of you are wondering if we made the right choice to let Jake choose if he got chemo or not.  He's 20 now...so...yes!

Fact:  The doctor said if it were her child, she would not force him to have any more chemo treatments.  At this point, he was not curable.  Chemo treatments would perhaps prolonged his life, but a miserable life it would be.

My thoughts:  Just because Jake's life did not turn out the way I had dreamed...doesn't mean he did not live the life he was meant to live.  Making Jake suffer any longer than necessary is just inhumane!  I won't do it!

I love every minute I have with Jake.  Sometimes I just sit next to him and listen to him breathe...because I know I will not even have that soon.  We still joke...when I feel he's up to it, and if I can make him smile...through the pain, there is where I find my heart smile.

Although I do not spend the same kind of time with the rest of my boys right now...I still love them just as much.  They are very understanding of the time I have to give Jake in his care.  They are always willing to help and I know their hearts are breaking as they watch their brother deteriorate every day.  They miss the old Jake!  We all do!

Family Pics!

Some sweet friends took these pics of our family at Christopherson Creek...here in Lehi.  It's Jake's favorite place to hang out and just chill.

Jake Man

My Bencer

Mike and Dad

Really...John?

Born a minute apart...best buds forever!

Zack attack!

Just me and my honey

Holladay Boys!

Me and my boys!

We had a lot of fun shooting these!

Good times!

Who made me laugh?

My niece and nephew, Logan and Nadia brought their 2 y.o., Joseph yesterday.  They wanted to stop and see Jake and make a donation to the family trip.  I was so happy to see them.  Joseph is a very active 2 year old...they didn't want to bring him in the house, but every little kid loves Aunt Rose!  Right?  There was nothing in my aunt or grandma arsenal that worked on Joseph! ...not the dog, not a fruit snack, not even a toy car would convince him!  He just wanted to go sit in the car and push buttons!  He got down from his father's arms and started for the car, fully expecting his parents to follow.  When they didn't follow right away, he came back to the door, gave them "the look", turned himself around and headed for the car again...it's like he was saying, "I thought I had you guys trained better that this!  When I turn and walk towards the car, you two are to follow me out!"  He did this about 4-5 times!  It was hilarious!

Church is kinda hard for me...It's kinda a mixed bag.  So many people there wanting to give their love and support, yet a constant reminder of the challenges I face.  Always lots of comforting hugs...sometimes tears (who am I kidding...always tears)!  I haven't been to church without shedding tears since...I can't remember when.  It's the only place some people have an opportunity to see us...so they come with their kind words and well wishes...and often, mine is not the only broken heart. 

The kindness and tender mercies keep pouring in.  One of my dear friend's family is taking Spencer school shopping tomorrow!  It will be all about Spencer!  How awesome is that!  What a thoughtful gesture!  Poor guy has been put on the back burner for the past year.  Tomorrow...it's all about him!

One of my other nieces bought Jake an Xbox 360 and his favorite game!  We have had generous annonymous gifts of cash to help us take a family trip.  The bad part for me is I can't look at those people and know of their generous love for us.  The angels who haven't remained annonymous, I can look at them and remember the sweet acts of service and love they have done for Jake and our family.  Well, God knows who you are...and I am praying for sweet blessings to be poured out upon your head in your time of need! 

Thanks for loving us!

Well...

I have finally gotten past that old plateu and lost 40 lbs!  I may not be able to control everything that is happening around me...but I can control this part...mostly.

I'm going to visit my dad in New York in a couple months.  I will laugh if he doesn't recognize me!  I look forward to buying some new jeans for the trip.  I truly hate wearing clothes that are too big for me...especially pants!

Here's the scoop...

Jake started chemo last Thursday.  The regimen was 2 chemo's at the hospital, one once a day at home (yes, I am officially a cancer nurse!)  I never thought I could stomach watching another person throw up...but I can.  After 3 days of this chemo that made him so sick to his stomach, Jake declared that he did not want to finish.  We convinced him to at least finish the 2 more we had in the fridge.

This was my quiet spot (Coast of Oregon)

When the tumors first appeared, I was a little freaked out!  I have to admit that I found a place away from others and cried until the tears were temporarily out of order.  My mother heart was broken into pieces and I asked God to hold it for a while, until He healed it.  My heart literally ached, not from despair, but from sorrow.  The sobs heard from my throat, came from my heart...from my soul...from depths I never knew existed.

I was not hopeless.
I was not lost.
I was not without love.
I was not forgotten.
I was fallen, like a heap of clay on the sand.

I felt the warmth of loving arms envelop me and all my worries and fears and broken heart...
Crying time was over...my heart was healing...
I can sympathize with those who care for loved ones
...and perhaps I can help them through what seems to them...the hardest part of their journey.

God told me it would be hard...and it is...

I look forward to the day when I can feel joy again!
I'm on my way!
"Awesome and Fabulous" are part of my vocabulary again.

We shall not live in cancer!
We shall live in hope and love and peace.
Let sadness fall by the wayside.
Let broken hearts mend...
Let them be full of gratitude.
May we fill our lives with service to others.
...and when Joy finds her way back to my door
May I hear her knock, open my arms wide and embrace her!

I'm crying...

I'm crying inside.

Although I feel

  this is a test of my faith

An Abraham test

Yet I cry for Jake

I am sad

  that we are not as close

  to the end as I hoped.

But I do hope...

I do believe...

I'm trying not to fear.

...and I'm crying inside.



Thank you!

Thank You!

You pulled more than weeds

-You pulled some stress out of my life

You did more than rearrange my special rocks

-You reminded me that I have friends that care

You did more than trim the deadness out of the flowers

-You gave more life to my heart

You did more than refresh the soil in this small flower patch

-You refreshed my spirit.

Thank you for this great gift of service and love

-I love you…because you did more!

Feelings buried alive...

I have a book:  Feelings Buried Alive Never Die. 
I feel like I need to grieve.
I am sad because we are not closer to the end of this cancer journey.
I'm sad because Jake has to have more treatments.
I grieve the loss of hope of being finished soon and being cancer free.
I'm feeling swallowed up by the everyday chores and tasks that still await my attention.

I was thrilled at the dinner brought in by friends today! 
I've not seen the boys so giddy about getting dinner!  (Pier 49 Pizza!)
I'm grateful for the boys willingness to pitch in and share in the care of Jake.
I feel peace that we will...eventually...have a good outcome.
Perhaps not the road we thought we would take, but ending up in the same place...eventually.

...and perhaps...this is a little taste of what it means to endure to the end...sometimes tormenting...sometimes filled with surprises that are nice and...unexpected. 
The strength,...that was unexpected.  But still...I have to acknowledge the pain.

As one hope leaves us, it makes room for new hope...therefore, hope is not lost.
I like to think of it as being Flexible!  If Plan A doesn't work, then we go with Plan B.  If Plan B isn't successful, then go with Plan C...all the while learning and trusting, praying and hoping, accepting and loving, appreciating and giving back when you can.

Sometimes...you just have to put your hand in God's and let Him walk you through this.