Update--Wow a whole month went by!

I should really update this blog!

Ok...here's a tidbit of updates...

Zack is getting married on April 27th...this year...as far as I know!  We love Caitlin and are looking forward to having her as the newest Mrs. Holladay!  They will probably live in Orem, Utah while they both finish school.

Zack is working for Wasatch Electric, not taking any classes this semester, but will get right back into it next semester.  He is staying with Caitlin's grandparents during the week because they live so close to his work and his work is so far from home...currently.  Caitlin and I miss him very much!

John is going to college to become an EMT/Fireman.  I believe he wants to fly helicopters with one hand and take care of patients with the other!  His best friend, Austin, is taking the classes with him and Austin is getting married in May.

Mike is still working a Kohlers and he is trying to make up some classes so that he can graduate this year.  He likes a girl who just moved to Payson.  (45 minutes drive).  He decided to see if the van would make a good 4 wheeler and got it stuck in the mud.  Had to call a tow truck to get it out.  Insurance paid the first $75...Mike gets to pay the rest!

Spencer...still in school, following his father's footsteps...as far as the computer!

Grandma Holladay is staying with us this month!  We are getting used to each other again!  She is on oxygen and her health has deteriorated since she left last year...but I can still get her to smile!  I think she has been depressed for a while...probably because she can't hear a thing anymore!  It's gotta be frustrating not to be able to communicate like you used to!  I have to keep a white board handy so I can talk to her.  We will be seeing about getting her fixed up tomorrow...poor thing!

No trips or anything planned in the near future (except the wedding!).  I just like staying home right now...and that's ok.

I still work out and play racquetball, still go to the temple and my friend, Leslie, has been coming over and organizing my cupboards and closets (sooo awesome!).  She did my pantry (found some lost treasures in there!), most of my kitchen cupboards and tackled the disaster of a storage closet I have downstairs!  She told me I would have empty shelves when she was finished.  I didn't believe her...but I do!  She has a hyper adrenaline currently and she is organizing my house for therapy!  (SCORE!!)  I told her I hope she makes it though my entire house before they find a cure!

We are all good here.  How about you?

Lessons learned.

As I have reflected back on this past year, I have realized that I have learned many lessons.  I will mention just 12.

1.  "How are you?"... Doesn't mean you need to reflect on how you are...but it means they care about you.
2.  "I'm sorry"...also means "I care"...not:  feel sorry for yourself.
3.  Just because they don't talk to you about what you're going through...doesn't mean they don't care.  Most of the time it means they don't know what to say.
4.  What God has in store for you is very rarely what you had in mind.  Trust Him!
5.  You will never know how it really feels until you go through it yourself...But Christ knows how you feel.
6.  Tender Mercies come in the most unusual and surprising packages.
7.  No matter how much you love your own children...God loves them more!
8.  Sometimes, Faith and Trust in God is not the easy road...just the best road.
9.  Just because things didn't turn out the way you hoped, doesn't mean they didn't turn out the way they were suppose to.
10.  You will not be spared experiences that you consider a waste of time when they don't bring the desired outcome.  To all things there is a purpose.
11.  There is so much more to your life than just you!
12.  When you live through heart break, don't forget to look up or beyond yourself to see the sweet love and peace that goes with it.

Rose Buds!

I have my racquetball/gym buddies (I call them Rose Buds) over for breakfast occasionally...but always for Christmas.  It used to only be racquetball, but since I started lifting weights in March I've made many more friends at the gym (cuz I'm so shy!).

This is Barbie and Skipper (Barbie is on the right) haha, or I call them Peggy and Cheryl (Peggy is on the left).  These ladies are the most fit mom's I've ever seen.  They run everyday and they lift weights on Tuesday and Thursday.  I taught them the game of racquetball and got them so sore they could hardly walk...and they promised to kick my butt in abs this week!  They basically came and cooked all the food, plus they brought homemade muffins...that were a little too fabulous!  They also bought me a pink work out shirt because that is the color they always wear...so now I can be on their team!  They're keepers!

This is Leon and Jim.  Leon is the one trying to build a bridge across Utah Lake and Jim is an animator and has done work for Disney and other animated movies.  We all played racquetball this morning at 7 and then came over to my house for breakfast.  A few people I didn't catch pics of before they left were an older couple, Lloyd and Linda Laycock and Doug and Julie Ahlstrom.  Doug is an attorney for Draper City and had to go to work. 

The older guy in blue is Dave.  He has trophies at home for racquetball tournements he has won.  He is fun to play.  With the guitar is my good friend, Wendy.  We have played racquetball and done breakfast for about 3 years now and this was the first time I have heard her play.  She lives just west of me and teaches guitar lessons.  She is awesome!

This is our friend...other Doug.  He got hit in the leg with a racquetball a few months ago and developed a blood clot all up and down his leg (WASN'T ME!!!).  He was hospitalized a couple of times and took weeks to recover.  He has to wear long pants to play now and wears something on his leg to protect him from getting bruised again.  He still plays pretty awesome!  He has a shirt that says: Yes Dear is my indian name.

Dave (my Dave) was playing hooky from work to be here so I can't post a picture of him.  A bunch of other people couldn't make it because they had to work or went on vacation...stuff like that...but they are all awesome!

This is the tale end of Wendy's beautiful song.  (Sorry, that's all I got!)

This is how we rock it at my parties!

This video is my friend Ed and Wendy hittin the strings.  Ed plays in a band...several bands.  I think most of his boys play in a band with him and he's got a band in California.  I think most everyone of my racquetball buddies have a beautiful voice...cept Dave H....but somebody has to play the part of the audience!  Good job Dave!  Oh, if you're Dave's boss and you're reading this...Dave is really at work working hard(ly)!

We had a great time!  Good food, Good friends, great memories!

Zack's MS!

Zack has an official MS (Main Squeeze)!  Her name is Caitlin and we all love her...even Mike!  I don't mind not being his best girl anymore...I'll always be his favorite mom!  Caitlin is the oldest of 5 girls!  She loves music and plays the piano really well!  They met at work and attend the same college!

It's so different having girls in the house!  My first clue is the giggling!  Spence hasn't brought any girls home yet (Thank goodness!) but the other boys bring them...(thank goodness!)!

Tomato Basil Soup

3 (14 oz) cans crushed/diced tomatoes        1 tsp sugar (optional)
1 (14.5 oz) can chicken broth                      1 c. half and half cream
1-2 t. basil (to taste)                                    6 T butter (optional, I don't use this)

I like to put the tomatoes in a chopper and puree them a bit with some chunks left.
In a large sauce pan bring the tomatoes and broth to boil, then reduce heat and simmer for 10 minutes.  Add sugar if you are going to, then slowly add cream (and butter if you are adding it).  When the butter is melted it's ready.

I don't know why, but the combined flavor of chicken broth and tomatoes is fabulous!  I think I tried it with 2 can tomato/1 chicken broth ratio, which was even better!

I found this recipe on allrecipes.com and modified it.  It calls for 1/2 cup of butter and 18 fresh basil leaves, minced and 2 (28 oz.) cans of tomatoes...fyi

Moving on...

Strange how you feel after losing a close loved one.  No one can prepare you for this time...even when you know it's coming.  I often think of those who have no warning that a loved one is leaving this life...no more time to say the words you wished you had said or to make the memories you wished you had taken time to make.  Some people feel guilt for memories they wished they hadn't made...yet others choose to just live in the sadness and unfairness of it all.

I guess the strange feeling is that I don't know what to do with the love I have for Jake.  I have all this love and support and service stored inside me that was suppose to last a much longer lifetime.  Each child has their never ending allotment...I just don't know what to do with Jake's!

He has somehow found ways to extend his love to us...many times we have received a sweet service from someone and they would not let us pay them..each of them have said "It's a gift from Jake!"  Is it possible to have someone who has already passed, to give Jake his "mommy hugs", stand by him when he needs strength, laugh and joke with him, give him motherly advice when he's trying to make hard choices, take turns praying with him, be his biggest fan as he lives his life, serve him and love him unconditionally...and tell him it's a gift from his mom?

The boys are finding ways to move on...they all have jobs and are going to school (or ready to go to school).  I still count heads at prayer time and dinner time to make sure everyone is there.  Sometimes we have spares...but it's never going to be the same...no matter how many heads I count.  We will always be one short.

Addendum:  The moment I posted this, the song Going Home by Kenneth Cope, the one that was sung at Jake's funeral, came on my speakers....I cried.

New York Visit

Last March I had the opportunity to book a trip back east to see my dad.  I thought that Jake would be over his cancer by then (which he is) and it's the best time to go...price-wise.  Usually the fall colors are phenomenal, but they were pretty subdued this year.  It's pretty wet...it's been their wettest year on record.  The riverbeds that are normally dry this year are full and flowing.  No one is looking forward to where the water will go next year.

I was hoping to keep working out while I was here.  We were able to find a gym that would give me a free one week membership.  They had all the equipment I needed to do the workout regimen my trainer had given me...well, as well as I could remember it.  I was grateful my dad was willing to make the 35 min. drive to Glens Falls every other day...and then he would either find something to do or sit in the parking lot and read until I was ready...very sweet!

 This is my step-bro., Will.  We fixed dad's snow blower.  Of course, I was a huge help!

If you follow BYU basketball, you will remember this guy...Jimmer Fredette's dad.  Jimmer's dad, met my dad!  We go to the same ward as Jimmer's family...while in New York.  He remembered us from prior visits.  There is another family that has been in the ward since I lived here...50 years ago!...the Kabrickies (sp?)!  They always come talk with us and catch up when we come.  Their daughter works in the temple with my mom...in Utah.  Al (Fredette) said he was at the mascot bowl at Lehi High School a few weeks ago...just down the street.  I told him to call next time he was in town!  Nice, nice guy!  We visited for about a 1/2 hour or so.  He definitely loves his family!

The blue lady on the left was my old neighbor, Jean Parker.  Her older girls used to babysit us sometimes when we lived in Glens Falls.  The blue lady on the right is my Aunt Dorothy.  She will be turning 85 tomorrow!  She lives by herself and she is the one that helps everyone...you could say, if she were LDS, she would be the RS pres. in her ward/branch.  Happy birthday Aunt Dot!

This is my daddy!  He hasn't changed much in the past 40 years...except he's more wrinkly, bigger tummy and less hair.  He's just as loud, still talks to himself, loves to laugh and tell stories...but I think he gets sweeter as he gets older.  His training is coming along well!  hehe

Tomorrow, we celebrate Aunt Dorothy's b-day, then up early for 6 AM flight home.  It's been a nice break, but I need to get back to real life...the whole family does.

Here's to figuring out what that is...and living it!

Dear Jake...

I felt you let go of my heart a few nights ago...I was wondering if it would break too, but it didn't.  It was beating strong...no cracks or leaks.  Even the leak in my eyes is getting better...it was close today though!  I listened to Hillary Weeks new song "This Is Not Your Home"...a song about sadness...and not wanting it to let it live in your heart...just passing through, ya know? 

Sometimes I wonder if there will come a day when the reality of your passing will hit me over the head and I will break down and cry uncontrollably...inconsolable.  But that is not the way I feel today.  I feel at peace, surprisingly...a little annoyed that my treasured visits with you, Uncle Jack, Uncle Phil, Uncle Jayson...all are taken from me..this year! 

I'm going to see grandpa Sweet soon.  Somehow I knew that it was ok not to cancel that trip...yet it will be different.  Part of my trips to New York were to visit with all my family...but now you can meet them...or you already have!

I hope someday...we can feel the physical hugs we have for each other...as much as we feel the love.  Thanks for not just taking off and leaving me so fast.  I know it's so awesome where you are...help me remember that!

I'm loving you....again...still!
Mom

Dear Jake....

Well, Jake...how was it? I woke up this morning feeling the stiffness in my hands and legs and the tightness of my back and thought...Jake doesn't have to feel this stuff anymore! He can walk and not be weary, he can run and not faint.

Was it as cool as I told you it would be? I know it is awesome where you are at. We will be missing you for a long, long time. I'm sitting in your room...listening to the silly fountain the guys got you. You're right...it is kinda calming.

I put a fresh pillow case on your pillow...the one Sylvia made you, and your golf quilt on the bed...the ones my friends came over and help make for you last Christmas. I look at the picture of Jesus and remember how you asked me if that was Zack...an honor for Zack that you would hallucinate that he and Christ were one in the same.

I know you were quick to forgive the pain I would cause you in trying to care for you...the shots, the chemo, the moving of the legs. I thought it the cruelest thing for a mother to have to do for her child...inflict the pain she so wanted to take away...but I promised you and God that I would take care of you. I promised I would help you through this last challenge. You were AWESOME buddy! You have touched so many hearts along the way...you and I will probably never know the extent of the ripples...but they are there bud!

You lived your short life...nothing was unfair about it. I am so sorry the last part was so painful for you...but God told me everything was going exactly the way He had planned for you and not to worry about a thing. I can't think of a more capable, awesome being to have in charge...and so I give it to Him...along with my broken heart...a heart only He can fix.

Be awesome, Jake! We will do our best to be awesome too! Thank you for being you, thank you for your love and the hugs you gave me every night. Thank you for wiping off...I mean, rubbing in my kisses. This hard journey has brought us closer...and I have no doubt that you know my love for you runs deeper into your soul...you will never be without it.

I'm missing you already!  I'm looking at so many pictures of your past...it doesn't seem like you are gone...and perhaps my heart and mind just haven't wrapped around the fact that you are really gone...This part really, really hurts!

In case you were wondering...



I know some of you are wondering if we made the right choice to let Jake choose if he got chemo or not.  He's 20 now...so...yes!

Fact:  The doctor said if it were her child, she would not force him to have any more chemo treatments.  At this point, he was not curable.  Chemo treatments would perhaps prolonged his life, but a miserable life it would be.

My thoughts:  Just because Jake's life did not turn out the way I had dreamed...doesn't mean he did not live the life he was meant to live.  Making Jake suffer any longer than necessary is just inhumane!  I won't do it!

I love every minute I have with Jake.  Sometimes I just sit next to him and listen to him breathe...because I know I will not even have that soon.  We still joke...when I feel he's up to it, and if I can make him smile...through the pain, there is where I find my heart smile.

Although I do not spend the same kind of time with the rest of my boys right now...I still love them just as much.  They are very understanding of the time I have to give Jake in his care.  They are always willing to help and I know their hearts are breaking as they watch their brother deteriorate every day.  They miss the old Jake!  We all do!