Dear Jake....

Well, Jake...how was it? I woke up this morning feeling the stiffness in my hands and legs and the tightness of my back and thought...Jake doesn't have to feel this stuff anymore! He can walk and not be weary, he can run and not faint.

Was it as cool as I told you it would be? I know it is awesome where you are at. We will be missing you for a long, long time. I'm sitting in your room...listening to the silly fountain the guys got you. You're right...it is kinda calming.

I put a fresh pillow case on your pillow...the one Sylvia made you, and your golf quilt on the bed...the ones my friends came over and help make for you last Christmas. I look at the picture of Jesus and remember how you asked me if that was Zack...an honor for Zack that you would hallucinate that he and Christ were one in the same.

I know you were quick to forgive the pain I would cause you in trying to care for you...the shots, the chemo, the moving of the legs. I thought it the cruelest thing for a mother to have to do for her child...inflict the pain she so wanted to take away...but I promised you and God that I would take care of you. I promised I would help you through this last challenge. You were AWESOME buddy! You have touched so many hearts along the way...you and I will probably never know the extent of the ripples...but they are there bud!

You lived your short life...nothing was unfair about it. I am so sorry the last part was so painful for you...but God told me everything was going exactly the way He had planned for you and not to worry about a thing. I can't think of a more capable, awesome being to have in charge...and so I give it to Him...along with my broken heart...a heart only He can fix.

Be awesome, Jake! We will do our best to be awesome too! Thank you for being you, thank you for your love and the hugs you gave me every night. Thank you for wiping off...I mean, rubbing in my kisses. This hard journey has brought us closer...and I have no doubt that you know my love for you runs deeper into your soul...you will never be without it.

I'm missing you already!  I'm looking at so many pictures of your past...it doesn't seem like you are gone...and perhaps my heart and mind just haven't wrapped around the fact that you are really gone...This part really, really hurts!

In case you were wondering...



I know some of you are wondering if we made the right choice to let Jake choose if he got chemo or not.  He's 20 now...so...yes!

Fact:  The doctor said if it were her child, she would not force him to have any more chemo treatments.  At this point, he was not curable.  Chemo treatments would perhaps prolonged his life, but a miserable life it would be.

My thoughts:  Just because Jake's life did not turn out the way I had dreamed...doesn't mean he did not live the life he was meant to live.  Making Jake suffer any longer than necessary is just inhumane!  I won't do it!

I love every minute I have with Jake.  Sometimes I just sit next to him and listen to him breathe...because I know I will not even have that soon.  We still joke...when I feel he's up to it, and if I can make him smile...through the pain, there is where I find my heart smile.

Although I do not spend the same kind of time with the rest of my boys right now...I still love them just as much.  They are very understanding of the time I have to give Jake in his care.  They are always willing to help and I know their hearts are breaking as they watch their brother deteriorate every day.  They miss the old Jake!  We all do!

Family Pics!

Some sweet friends took these pics of our family at Christopherson Creek...here in Lehi.  It's Jake's favorite place to hang out and just chill.

Jake Man

My Bencer

Mike and Dad

Really...John?

Born a minute apart...best buds forever!

Zack attack!

Just me and my honey

Holladay Boys!

Me and my boys!

We had a lot of fun shooting these!

Good times!