Friday, September 30, 2011

Dear Jake....

Well, was it? I woke up this morning feeling the stiffness in my hands and legs and the tightness of my back and thought...Jake doesn't have to feel this stuff anymore! He can walk and not be weary, he can run and not faint.
Was it as cool as I told you it would be? I know it is awesome where you are at. We will be missing you for a long, long time. I'm sitting in your room...listening to the silly fountain the guys got you. You're is kinda calming.

I put a fresh pillow case on your pillow...the one Sylvia made you, and your golf quilt on the bed...the ones my friends came over and help make for you last Christmas. I look at the picture of Jesus and remember how you asked me if that was honor for Zack that you would hallucinate that he and Christ were one in the same.

I know you were quick to forgive the pain I would cause you in trying to care for you...the shots, the chemo, the moving of the legs. I thought it the cruelest thing for a mother to have to do for her child...inflict the pain she so wanted to take away...but I promised you and God that I would take care of you. I promised I would help you through this last challenge. You were AWESOME buddy! You have touched so many hearts along the and I will probably never know the extent of the ripples...but they are there bud!

You lived your short life...nothing was unfair about it. I am so sorry the last part was so painful for you...but God told me everything was going exactly the way He had planned for you and not to worry about a thing. I can't think of a more capable, awesome being to have in charge...and so I give it to Him...along with my broken heart...a heart only He can fix.

Be awesome, Jake! We will do our best to be awesome too! Thank you for being you, thank you for your love and the hugs you gave me every night. Thank you for wiping off...I mean, rubbing in my kisses. This hard journey has brought us closer...and I have no doubt that you know my love for you runs deeper into your will never be without it.
I'm missing you already!  I'm looking at so many pictures of your doesn't seem like you are gone...and perhaps my heart and mind just haven't wrapped around the fact that you are really gone...This part really, really hurts!


Lubbers said...

Rose, you are such an awesome mom and you have no idea the strength that your testimony gives to me. I look at my own little boys and my heart just breaks for you knowing that you try so hard to protect them and you wish you could take their pains on yourself. You are so strong and unwavering, I know a lot of that is the strength that comes from our Heavenly Father and the comfort that comes from our Savior who made His wonderful plan possible for all of us to be families forever. We love you and your family!! Kristi

Jill Heaps said...

Beautiful! We love you!

Debby Asay said...

Rose, Thank you for sharing this blog with so many people. Your family has always been a special part of ours. All the boys accepted Ashley as part of that circle of friends. My heart hurts for you and your family. I know the hurt of losing a twin. Birthdays are still hard for me. I know that there is distance between us in miles but please know that you are in my thought and prayers. Love Debby

Jon Slothower said...

I just found out and I am not quite sure what to say. My heart also aches for you. You and your family will surely by in our prayers.

Lindsay said...

Thank you so much for sharing this with everyone. It is beyond beautiful and your strength and love for Jake shines through. Thank you so much for allowing me to take care of Jake. He is an awesome kid and I have great memories of taking care of him and talking about the Beatles. I would love to come to the funeral today, but I am home, very sick, and I would hate to get anyone there sick. That's the last thing your family needs. I hope you know how much Jake will be missed, but I'm so glad he's in a place of rest now. God bless you and your family!

Lindsay (Jake's nurse)

Kelsie said...

Rose and Holladay Family,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I have been getting updates through people in the ward. My parents, too. You are a lucky family to have 5 boys forever. You have been in my prayers and will continue to be. Much love from Idaho.
Kelsie Deveraux

Apis Melliflora said...

Prayers of peace for you and your family. May the Lord wrap his arms around you. May you find comfort in your memories of Jake and in the loved ones who surround you. You are a beautiful spirit, Rose.