What I didn't say...

I should probably blog about the fun family bonding we had in St. George a couple weeks ago...and perhaps I'll get to that later.  But I feel to continue with the update I put on Jake's Blog. 

I'm a bit worried...maybe needlessly...but, it's my job and I do it well!  The MRI report came back and I was finally able to talk to the doctor about it.  She seemed to think it was good, but according to the first measurements, I believe the tumor is bigger than when it started.  We'll be doing a test to see if the tissue is living or not, and if that test turns out well, it doesn't matter if it's bigger or not.  But if not...

Dr. Wright told me not to worry about what we don't know yet.  My fear is that we put Jake through all of this chemo torture for nothing.  Well, we will have to wait and see.  I wish I could feel good about celebrating the end of this.  I hope I can soon!

Closets

Did you ever take a look in your closet and wonder why you kept all that stuff?  I have to admit, sometimes I’m a “closet stuffer”!   If I don’t want to deal with something, I stuff it in a closet. 

Recently, my friend and I cleaned out 15 years of closet stuffing.  We kept very little.  Some stuff we donated because I had so much and couldn’t pass up a good buy.  Some things my kids had out grown and mementos of the past 15 years that I thought I might need to remember my past.  Trash can after trash can full we emptied.

When we were finished, it felt freeing!  I felt more organized and free from clutter and free from stress that I had hid in my closet.

I believe that we do closet stuffing with our past and our feelings.  We hold on to things we think we might need later or continue to pester us from years and years ago.  Every so often, we need to clean out our “past” closets and let go of the stuff we don’t need.  Jeffery R. Holland suggests that we let go and leave it alone and not open old wounds.  It is true for other’s past as well.  Leave well enough alone.  Let them heal and stay that way.  Elder Holland suggests that we remember just enough to not repeat mistakes, but forgive yourself (or others) and move on.

It makes me take another look at “my closet” to see if there are any pet grievances, sorrows, bad feelings, hurt or misperceptions that I have been holding on to.  For the most part, I have been able to keep my house closets clean and organized.  But lately, I have caught myself tossing in a few things I don’t want to deal with, promising myself that I will deal with it soon…but they are still sitting there, cluttering up my clean space.  I’ve become better at keeping the house clean that people see, but if you look close or open the closets, you may find a thing or two out of place.

Such is life, isn’t it?  Some of us have a lot of cleaning to do and some just have to take care of those few things.  Isn’t it nice to know that we can always count on our Savior to help us de-junk?  The best thing is, He’ll haul it all away…if we are willing to give it up..trash can after trash can full!  It’s hard to face the daunting task by yourself, but with a little help from a friend, nothing is too hard…and anything is possible.

More Birthdays and a short Spring Break!

After a successful all day chemo treatment on Tuesday, Jake and I took a ride down to St. George to see John and pick up Spencer.  They took us to Snow Canyon to play in the sand.  John let a girl use his hair for her first hair cut.  A little "Dutch boyish"...but I've seen worse.

Jake did really good to limit his time in the sun to 15 minutes.  He had fun in the sand, but his energy was lacking.

This is our new friend, Cherie.  She was awesome with the boys!  I believe she is the first adult (besides us) to take an interest in Spencer (like your coolest aunt!).  They liked to play cards and watch Netflix shows and go for hikes together.  She's a keeper!  I believe we are going to officially adopt her!

I couldn't believe what a mountain goat Spencer was!  He is the tallest rock a little to the left of the center of the picture.  He just scrambled up this mountain.  Spencer went jogging with me twice while we were down there.  He walks so fast, I had to lengthen my stride to keep up with him!  I don't think he will have any problems doing the trek the ward has planned this summer!

I know this doesn't look like much, and you may have to click on the picture to get the full details, but these are baby turtle tracks.

I had to borrow some not-so-great scissors, but I fixed John's hair.  Here are my two 20 year olds!  So weird to think I have 3 boys in their 20's!  I just had 4 teenagers 2 days ago!  Happy Birthday Munchkins!

Happy Birthday! ...ok late, but I finally finished this post!

Yes, I was born this day, 51 years ago!  I'm a bit larger, I probably cry as much, but not as loud, I've learned not to wet myself, I can bath and dress myself, and feed myself.  So as you can see, I have made great strides in my life.

 God gives me a flower for my birthday every year!  This is the one He gave me this year!

I think the Easter Bunny got frozen this year...so if you don't get any candy...don't be surprised!

This is also what I got for my birthday...the earth covered in white!  It reminded me it was time to go to the temple! :)

Just trying to keep up!

I took some pics for a nice b-day post, but couldn't find the time or energy to post this week.  I think our lives go in cycles.  You can get yourself pumped up and ready to go do everything needful, hit all your goals for the week and feel good about yourself, but eventually you hit the dragging point...where inspiration and motivation is harder and harder to come by.  That's where I'm at...the dragging point.

On a good note, I am reading a book!  I don't like to read, but I'm making an effort to read more.  I quickly fall asleep when I read, so I have to do it short spurts.  I'm learning new stuff and hopefully, at the end of the day, I'm doing a little better than the day before.

I try not to beat myself up for having weaknesses and occasionally, I try to do better than the best I can.  I have to say, often it surprises me at what I can accomplish if I try just...a...little...bit...harder!

My husband often tells me that if I don't expect too much, I won't be disappointed.  I say, if you don't expect enough, you will never move ahead!

Tomorrow, looks good, don'tcha think?

Trying to teach the boys...

I was having a conversation today with Zack and Dave on how women sometimes had a need to be validated.  Perplexity covered their faces, so I proceeded to list off some helpful comments they could use to validate their wife, when she was trying to tell how her day went  I carefully pointed out that guys just wanted to fix things and we found that annoying.  Zack dutifully said he would make a note of those things.  Dave asked, "If you don't want us to fix it, why are you telling us?"  Never mind.  I'll just call Joyce when I need to be validated.  Sheesh!

There is sunshine in my soul today...

Dear God,
Thank you for the sunshine today, it warms my soul.
Thank you for the budding flowers, they remind me that spring will be here soon.
Thank you for my friends, they always have my back!
Thank you for my family, because I live in love when I'm home.
Thank you for thy Holy House, because I always feel your warm embrace when I'm there.
Thank you for my angels, who constantly watch over an comfort me.
Thank you for my trials, for I have gained so much strength from them and they bring me closer to You.
and Thank you for thy many tender mercies, because it brings me comfort to know how much You love me.

Today is a better day!

The sun is shining, I got enough sleep last night, got my exercise in this morning, made it to all my appointments on time...well, within 5 minutes, and I have eaten healthy today!

Jake is very tired today, but he was up playing on the computer earlier, so he must not feel too bad.

Mike started his first official job (the kind that takes taxes out) today!  He works at Kohlers in Lehi, so look for him when you shop there!

My hair is lighter today...I like it! :)

Some days are like this...Even in Australia!

So, we are getting closer to the third to the last long chemo.  Platelet counts were only up to 44 on Thursday, so we have been getting him detoxed as often as possible (Thank you so much, Sharon!).  He will get his blood drawn tomorrow to see where he's at.  If his platelets are not up to 75, no chemo this week.

Last night, he spiked a fever of 103!  He refused to go to the hospital.  I called the Hem/Onc doctor on call, and had her talk to him, but he still wouldn't go.  He had a detox yesterday and this afternoon.  He asked Dave and Zack for a blessing.  Between the two of them, his fever is back down to normal.  I'm grateful for that, but he said, "See mom!  Aren't you glad we didn't go to the ER?"  I'm grateful he is feeling better, but I didn't want this little miracle to feed into his teenage invincibility.  Now it will be even harder to get him to the hospital when he needs to go.  I am so looking forward to this being over!

I received a note last night that my sister-in-law's mom died of cancer yesterday.  She has had 6 bouts of cancer to battle these past years.  My uncle Jack was diagnosed with cancer and won't make it to his next birthday.  The lady down the street was diagnosed with cancer and is going through radiation therapy.  It all came to a head this morning and I just couldn't stop the tears all day.

Have you ever felt like someone peeled back the protective layers of your heart and left it laying there, vulnerable to every sad thought or touching moment?  Do you ever see someone cry and it makes you cry?  Yes, I looked in the mirror, saw myself crying and cried even more.  (I know you men can't relate to this, but the sista's have got my back on this one!)  Singing the opening hymn in church made me cry.  Thinking about the missionary leaving made me cry.  Hugging a friend made me cry.  Thinking about hugging a friend made me cry?  Thinking about trials made me cry.  Leading the music in RS made me bawl like a baby! (Extremely embarrassing!)  I hid my face for part of the song with the book.  The pages were blurred by my tears, so I just took some deep breaths, stopped trying to sing and led on...tears streaming down my face.  I didn't want to take away from the spirit of the meeting, but I had no control at that point.  I text a friend and told her my heart needed her to come sit by me.  She came...and I could feel her love envelope me and bear me up through the rest of the meeting.

I don't ever remember feeling this vulnerable in my life, or sad!  I'm glad I'm feeling better now...stronger, somehow.  I apologize to my RS sisters who had to witness this emotional meltdown, but I am grateful that I was surrounded by their love, when it happened.  I'm not saying this is the worse day of my life, just a very emotional one.  Serving my family will help me get out of this funk, so I'm going to go make their favorite dinner.

As Alexander's mom said....Some days are like this...even in Australia!

Biggest Loser part I

So this is my latest endeavor!  I have joined the AF Fitness Center's (that's where we play racquetball) Biggest Loser contest!  The weigh in isn't until the 17th, but I have already started losing weight.  I have lost 18 lbs since last Christmas!  I just barely got past the ever-frustrating plateau block that has been my constant companion for many years!  Unfortunately, I don't get credit for the weight I lose before Thursday, but it still feels good!  I'm imagining how good my knees are going to feel without the extra weight!

Jake's counts are up, chemo went well, and...this is just the best day I have had in a long, long time!