Sunday, March 20, 2011

Some days are like this...Even in Australia!

So, we are getting closer to the third to the last long chemo.  Platelet counts were only up to 44 on Thursday, so we have been getting him detoxed as often as possible (Thank you so much, Sharon!).  He will get his blood drawn tomorrow to see where he's at.  If his platelets are not up to 75, no chemo this week.

Last night, he spiked a fever of 103!  He refused to go to the hospital.  I called the Hem/Onc doctor on call, and had her talk to him, but he still wouldn't go.  He had a detox yesterday and this afternoon.  He asked Dave and Zack for a blessing.  Between the two of them, his fever is back down to normal.  I'm grateful for that, but he said, "See mom!  Aren't you glad we didn't go to the ER?"  I'm grateful he is feeling better, but I didn't want this little miracle to feed into his teenage invincibility.  Now it will be even harder to get him to the hospital when he needs to go.  I am so looking forward to this being over!

I received a note last night that my sister-in-law's mom died of cancer yesterday.  She has had 6 bouts of cancer to battle these past years.  My uncle Jack was diagnosed with cancer and won't make it to his next birthday.  The lady down the street was diagnosed with cancer and is going through radiation therapy.  It all came to a head this morning and I just couldn't stop the tears all day.

Have you ever felt like someone peeled back the protective layers of your heart and left it laying there, vulnerable to every sad thought or touching moment?  Do you ever see someone cry and it makes you cry?  Yes, I looked in the mirror, saw myself crying and cried even more.  (I know you men can't relate to this, but the sista's have got my back on this one!)  Singing the opening hymn in church made me cry.  Thinking about the missionary leaving made me cry.  Hugging a friend made me cry.  Thinking about hugging a friend made me cry?  Thinking about trials made me cry.  Leading the music in RS made me bawl like a baby! (Extremely embarrassing!)  I hid my face for part of the song with the book.  The pages were blurred by my tears, so I just took some deep breaths, stopped trying to sing and led on...tears streaming down my face.  I didn't want to take away from the spirit of the meeting, but I had no control at that point.  I text a friend and told her my heart needed her to come sit by me.  She came...and I could feel her love envelope me and bear me up through the rest of the meeting.

I don't ever remember feeling this vulnerable in my life, or sad!  I'm glad I'm feeling better now...stronger, somehow.  I apologize to my RS sisters who had to witness this emotional meltdown, but I am grateful that I was surrounded by their love, when it happened.  I'm not saying this is the worse day of my life, just a very emotional one.  Serving my family will help me get out of this funk, so I'm going to go make their favorite dinner.

As Alexander's mom said....Some days are like this...even in Australia!


Jenn said...

I've had 3 Sundays just like that in the past two months. I'm sorry!!

Audrey Carlson said...

Sometimes you just have to let it out. You are a very strong woman, you try to keep it all together, be strong for everyone, but it's important to have a good cry. Then you pull up those boot straps and keep going. Dealing with things now is important, because holding it all in can lead to even harder times.

Here is a big hug from me in VA.

The Queen Vee said...

Ah Rose, there are days when one just needs a good cry. Women are lucky because they are good at crying. It can be such a stress reliever and an energizer too once you get through it. Several years ago when my youngest son was on his mission in Russia we got a call that he was in a Russian hospital with a knee infection, I sat at work all day crying. My poor co-workers didn't know what to do and like you, I apologized later. They all said, "no apology needed." I hope this next round of Chemo will have the positive results needed for total remission for your son. For some reason trials often come in multiples, the great thing is, so do the Tender Mercies. I must confess, I hate cancer. Take care of yourself, don't feel guilty when you need a good cry and know that God is mindful of all you are going through....You Can DO HARD things.

Jill Heaps said...

#1 Jake is a TURKEY! Next time call me and I will take him by his ears :)
The great thing about this ward is that you CAN cry and you know you are so loved and understood. I am glad you were able to get some emotions out... it's not good to keep them all bottled up. Come to my house, I will make you one of your FAVORITE smoothies and you can cry and laugh all you want! Love you!