Moving on...

Strange how you feel after losing a close loved one.  No one can prepare you for this time...even when you know it's coming.  I often think of those who have no warning that a loved one is leaving this life...no more time to say the words you wished you had said or to make the memories you wished you had taken time to make.  Some people feel guilt for memories they wished they hadn't made...yet others choose to just live in the sadness and unfairness of it all.

I guess the strange feeling is that I don't know what to do with the love I have for Jake.  I have all this love and support and service stored inside me that was suppose to last a much longer lifetime.  Each child has their never ending allotment...I just don't know what to do with Jake's!

He has somehow found ways to extend his love to us...many times we have received a sweet service from someone and they would not let us pay them..each of them have said "It's a gift from Jake!"  Is it possible to have someone who has already passed, to give Jake his "mommy hugs", stand by him when he needs strength, laugh and joke with him, give him motherly advice when he's trying to make hard choices, take turns praying with him, be his biggest fan as he lives his life, serve him and love him unconditionally...and tell him it's a gift from his mom?

The boys are finding ways to move on...they all have jobs and are going to school (or ready to go to school).  I still count heads at prayer time and dinner time to make sure everyone is there.  Sometimes we have spares...but it's never going to be the same...no matter how many heads I count.  We will always be one short.

Addendum:  The moment I posted this, the song Going Home by Kenneth Cope, the one that was sung at Jake's funeral, came on my speakers....I cried.