I'm crying...

I'm crying inside.

Although I feel

  this is a test of my faith

An Abraham test

Yet I cry for Jake

I am sad

  that we are not as close

  to the end as I hoped.

But I do hope...

I do believe...

I'm trying not to fear.

...and I'm crying inside.



Thank you!

Thank You!

You pulled more than weeds

-You pulled some stress out of my life

You did more than rearrange my special rocks

-You reminded me that I have friends that care

You did more than trim the deadness out of the flowers

-You gave more life to my heart

You did more than refresh the soil in this small flower patch

-You refreshed my spirit.

Thank you for this great gift of service and love

-I love you…because you did more!

Feelings buried alive...

I have a book:  Feelings Buried Alive Never Die. 
I feel like I need to grieve.
I am sad because we are not closer to the end of this cancer journey.
I'm sad because Jake has to have more treatments.
I grieve the loss of hope of being finished soon and being cancer free.
I'm feeling swallowed up by the everyday chores and tasks that still await my attention.

I was thrilled at the dinner brought in by friends today! 
I've not seen the boys so giddy about getting dinner!  (Pier 49 Pizza!)
I'm grateful for the boys willingness to pitch in and share in the care of Jake.
I feel peace that we will...eventually...have a good outcome.
Perhaps not the road we thought we would take, but ending up in the same place...eventually.

...and perhaps...this is a little taste of what it means to endure to the end...sometimes tormenting...sometimes filled with surprises that are nice and...unexpected. 
The strength,...that was unexpected.  But still...I have to acknowledge the pain.

As one hope leaves us, it makes room for new hope...therefore, hope is not lost.
I like to think of it as being Flexible!  If Plan A doesn't work, then we go with Plan B.  If Plan B isn't successful, then go with Plan C...all the while learning and trusting, praying and hoping, accepting and loving, appreciating and giving back when you can.

Sometimes...you just have to put your hand in God's and let Him walk you through this.

Sweet Family Campout

Zack helping Jake to the tent

Sam, my youngest bro, was in charge of the Sweet Family Camp out this year.  We ended up going up American Fork Canyon (just a few minutes away from our house) this year.  We stayed 2 of the three nights.  It was great to see all my siblings (and mom) with whatever family members they could gather there.

This is the group that hike up to Timpanogos Cave!

Sam had a heart attack moment when his 3 year old son squeezed through the fence (because he was bored) and nearly went over the edge.  That's the kind of excitement we don't need!

This is me and my niece Chelsie!  She was trying to teach me some of her hip hop moves...lets just say she wasn't too impressed, nor was she afraid I would take over the world of dance with my awesome hip hop moves!

There's one in every family, right?

There was a lively game of kick ball in the parking lot.

It was great to see everyone!  I found out how heartless my husband and brother-in-laws to can be in the game of Hearts!  I tried to explain that there was no rule saying that you have to give the queen to the only girl playing!  They wouldn't keep score...but I'm pretty sure I won!

Grateful Heart

I woke up this morning with a grateful heart!  Then, that familiar feeling of warm tears wet my pillow.

I was amazed that my plants had lived through this year.
I pondered how I could keep my house in some relative order and grateful that it added little to the chaos that is our life.
I was grateful to have a garden, small as it is...I ate fresh peas from it yesterday!
I was warmed by the thought of many, many prayers said in our behalf, especially from the children.
I was overwhelmed by the many angels put into our lives to help us through this.
I was touched by the many acts of kindness and love, even from those that did not know us well.
I was strengthened by the faith and prayers of others.
I was lifted up by the many hugs and kind words from those we love.
I was comforted by the love that I have felt from God, Jesus and many relatives that have passed to the other side of the veil.

I was shocked that my brother wrote that he loved me...twice (the boys said probably his wife wrote it!)
I am grateful we have been able to stay out of debt...so far.
I was surprised and very grateful for the generosity and kindness of strangers!
I am thankful for insurance.
I cherish the new and old friends.
I'm so happy this tumor is out of Jake!
I'm amazed at the things I have learned and the experiences I have had.
I'm glad to share this journey with you.

I've learned many lessons, but the greatest would be to trust in God.
If you understand that He knows all about what's going on
and that He wants the best for you and the person you are caring for
even though things don't always go the way you think they should
or it seems like you are having set backs...instead of progress
He knows!
He made promises to me..I have to trust that it will all work out for what is best for Jake...whatever that is.
I don't pretend to know how God is going to keep His promises...
I just trust that He will.

Someone told me that I was too optimistic about Jake's treatment outcome...I wasn't realistic enough.
Yes...sometimes I was afraid...but just as Abraham trusted God to keep His promise of a magnificent posterity...as he was taking his only son to be sacrificed, I also believe that God will do what is best for Jake. 

I know God could have removed the tumor from Jake's body, or shrink it down to a lifeless mass...but, apparently, that wasn't what was best for Jake.  Some people say that we agree to our trials before we come.  I have a hard time believing I would have signed up for this one!  Perhaps that was time time we were overly optimistic...because we didn't know any better.