Tomato Basil Soup

3 (14 oz) cans crushed/diced tomatoes        1 tsp sugar (optional)
1 (14.5 oz) can chicken broth                      1 c. half and half cream
1-2 t. basil (to taste)                                    6 T butter (optional, I don't use this)

I like to put the tomatoes in a chopper and puree them a bit with some chunks left.
In a large sauce pan bring the tomatoes and broth to boil, then reduce heat and simmer for 10 minutes.  Add sugar if you are going to, then slowly add cream (and butter if you are adding it).  When the butter is melted it's ready.

I don't know why, but the combined flavor of chicken broth and tomatoes is fabulous!  I think I tried it with 2 can tomato/1 chicken broth ratio, which was even better!

I found this recipe on allrecipes.com and modified it.  It calls for 1/2 cup of butter and 18 fresh basil leaves, minced and 2 (28 oz.) cans of tomatoes...fyi

Moving on...

Strange how you feel after losing a close loved one.  No one can prepare you for this time...even when you know it's coming.  I often think of those who have no warning that a loved one is leaving this life...no more time to say the words you wished you had said or to make the memories you wished you had taken time to make.  Some people feel guilt for memories they wished they hadn't made...yet others choose to just live in the sadness and unfairness of it all.

I guess the strange feeling is that I don't know what to do with the love I have for Jake.  I have all this love and support and service stored inside me that was suppose to last a much longer lifetime.  Each child has their never ending allotment...I just don't know what to do with Jake's!

He has somehow found ways to extend his love to us...many times we have received a sweet service from someone and they would not let us pay them..each of them have said "It's a gift from Jake!"  Is it possible to have someone who has already passed, to give Jake his "mommy hugs", stand by him when he needs strength, laugh and joke with him, give him motherly advice when he's trying to make hard choices, take turns praying with him, be his biggest fan as he lives his life, serve him and love him unconditionally...and tell him it's a gift from his mom?

The boys are finding ways to move on...they all have jobs and are going to school (or ready to go to school).  I still count heads at prayer time and dinner time to make sure everyone is there.  Sometimes we have spares...but it's never going to be the same...no matter how many heads I count.  We will always be one short.

Addendum:  The moment I posted this, the song Going Home by Kenneth Cope, the one that was sung at Jake's funeral, came on my speakers....I cried.

New York Visit

Last March I had the opportunity to book a trip back east to see my dad.  I thought that Jake would be over his cancer by then (which he is) and it's the best time to go...price-wise.  Usually the fall colors are phenomenal, but they were pretty subdued this year.  It's pretty wet...it's been their wettest year on record.  The riverbeds that are normally dry this year are full and flowing.  No one is looking forward to where the water will go next year.

I was hoping to keep working out while I was here.  We were able to find a gym that would give me a free one week membership.  They had all the equipment I needed to do the workout regimen my trainer had given me...well, as well as I could remember it.  I was grateful my dad was willing to make the 35 min. drive to Glens Falls every other day...and then he would either find something to do or sit in the parking lot and read until I was ready...very sweet!

 This is my step-bro., Will.  We fixed dad's snow blower.  Of course, I was a huge help!

If you follow BYU basketball, you will remember this guy...Jimmer Fredette's dad.  Jimmer's dad, met my dad!  We go to the same ward as Jimmer's family...while in New York.  He remembered us from prior visits.  There is another family that has been in the ward since I lived here...50 years ago!...the Kabrickies (sp?)!  They always come talk with us and catch up when we come.  Their daughter works in the temple with my mom...in Utah.  Al (Fredette) said he was at the mascot bowl at Lehi High School a few weeks ago...just down the street.  I told him to call next time he was in town!  Nice, nice guy!  We visited for about a 1/2 hour or so.  He definitely loves his family!

The blue lady on the left was my old neighbor, Jean Parker.  Her older girls used to babysit us sometimes when we lived in Glens Falls.  The blue lady on the right is my Aunt Dorothy.  She will be turning 85 tomorrow!  She lives by herself and she is the one that helps everyone...you could say, if she were LDS, she would be the RS pres. in her ward/branch.  Happy birthday Aunt Dot!

This is my daddy!  He hasn't changed much in the past 40 years...except he's more wrinkly, bigger tummy and less hair.  He's just as loud, still talks to himself, loves to laugh and tell stories...but I think he gets sweeter as he gets older.  His training is coming along well!  hehe

Tomorrow, we celebrate Aunt Dorothy's b-day, then up early for 6 AM flight home.  It's been a nice break, but I need to get back to real life...the whole family does.

Here's to figuring out what that is...and living it!

Dear Jake...

I felt you let go of my heart a few nights ago...I was wondering if it would break too, but it didn't.  It was beating strong...no cracks or leaks.  Even the leak in my eyes is getting better...it was close today though!  I listened to Hillary Weeks new song "This Is Not Your Home"...a song about sadness...and not wanting it to let it live in your heart...just passing through, ya know? 

Sometimes I wonder if there will come a day when the reality of your passing will hit me over the head and I will break down and cry uncontrollably...inconsolable.  But that is not the way I feel today.  I feel at peace, surprisingly...a little annoyed that my treasured visits with you, Uncle Jack, Uncle Phil, Uncle Jayson...all are taken from me..this year! 

I'm going to see grandpa Sweet soon.  Somehow I knew that it was ok not to cancel that trip...yet it will be different.  Part of my trips to New York were to visit with all my family...but now you can meet them...or you already have!

I hope someday...we can feel the physical hugs we have for each other...as much as we feel the love.  Thanks for not just taking off and leaving me so fast.  I know it's so awesome where you are...help me remember that!

I'm loving you....again...still!
Mom

Dear Jake....

Well, Jake...how was it? I woke up this morning feeling the stiffness in my hands and legs and the tightness of my back and thought...Jake doesn't have to feel this stuff anymore! He can walk and not be weary, he can run and not faint.

Was it as cool as I told you it would be? I know it is awesome where you are at. We will be missing you for a long, long time. I'm sitting in your room...listening to the silly fountain the guys got you. You're right...it is kinda calming.

I put a fresh pillow case on your pillow...the one Sylvia made you, and your golf quilt on the bed...the ones my friends came over and help make for you last Christmas. I look at the picture of Jesus and remember how you asked me if that was Zack...an honor for Zack that you would hallucinate that he and Christ were one in the same.

I know you were quick to forgive the pain I would cause you in trying to care for you...the shots, the chemo, the moving of the legs. I thought it the cruelest thing for a mother to have to do for her child...inflict the pain she so wanted to take away...but I promised you and God that I would take care of you. I promised I would help you through this last challenge. You were AWESOME buddy! You have touched so many hearts along the way...you and I will probably never know the extent of the ripples...but they are there bud!

You lived your short life...nothing was unfair about it. I am so sorry the last part was so painful for you...but God told me everything was going exactly the way He had planned for you and not to worry about a thing. I can't think of a more capable, awesome being to have in charge...and so I give it to Him...along with my broken heart...a heart only He can fix.

Be awesome, Jake! We will do our best to be awesome too! Thank you for being you, thank you for your love and the hugs you gave me every night. Thank you for wiping off...I mean, rubbing in my kisses. This hard journey has brought us closer...and I have no doubt that you know my love for you runs deeper into your soul...you will never be without it.

I'm missing you already!  I'm looking at so many pictures of your past...it doesn't seem like you are gone...and perhaps my heart and mind just haven't wrapped around the fact that you are really gone...This part really, really hurts!

In case you were wondering...



I know some of you are wondering if we made the right choice to let Jake choose if he got chemo or not.  He's 20 now...so...yes!

Fact:  The doctor said if it were her child, she would not force him to have any more chemo treatments.  At this point, he was not curable.  Chemo treatments would perhaps prolonged his life, but a miserable life it would be.

My thoughts:  Just because Jake's life did not turn out the way I had dreamed...doesn't mean he did not live the life he was meant to live.  Making Jake suffer any longer than necessary is just inhumane!  I won't do it!

I love every minute I have with Jake.  Sometimes I just sit next to him and listen to him breathe...because I know I will not even have that soon.  We still joke...when I feel he's up to it, and if I can make him smile...through the pain, there is where I find my heart smile.

Although I do not spend the same kind of time with the rest of my boys right now...I still love them just as much.  They are very understanding of the time I have to give Jake in his care.  They are always willing to help and I know their hearts are breaking as they watch their brother deteriorate every day.  They miss the old Jake!  We all do!

Family Pics!

Some sweet friends took these pics of our family at Christopherson Creek...here in Lehi.  It's Jake's favorite place to hang out and just chill.

Jake Man

My Bencer

Mike and Dad

Really...John?

Born a minute apart...best buds forever!

Zack attack!

Just me and my honey

Holladay Boys!

Me and my boys!

We had a lot of fun shooting these!

Good times!

Who made me laugh?

My niece and nephew, Logan and Nadia brought their 2 y.o., Joseph yesterday.  They wanted to stop and see Jake and make a donation to the family trip.  I was so happy to see them.  Joseph is a very active 2 year old...they didn't want to bring him in the house, but every little kid loves Aunt Rose!  Right?  There was nothing in my aunt or grandma arsenal that worked on Joseph! ...not the dog, not a fruit snack, not even a toy car would convince him!  He just wanted to go sit in the car and push buttons!  He got down from his father's arms and started for the car, fully expecting his parents to follow.  When they didn't follow right away, he came back to the door, gave them "the look", turned himself around and headed for the car again...it's like he was saying, "I thought I had you guys trained better that this!  When I turn and walk towards the car, you two are to follow me out!"  He did this about 4-5 times!  It was hilarious!

Church is kinda hard for me...It's kinda a mixed bag.  So many people there wanting to give their love and support, yet a constant reminder of the challenges I face.  Always lots of comforting hugs...sometimes tears (who am I kidding...always tears)!  I haven't been to church without shedding tears since...I can't remember when.  It's the only place some people have an opportunity to see us...so they come with their kind words and well wishes...and often, mine is not the only broken heart. 

The kindness and tender mercies keep pouring in.  One of my dear friend's family is taking Spencer school shopping tomorrow!  It will be all about Spencer!  How awesome is that!  What a thoughtful gesture!  Poor guy has been put on the back burner for the past year.  Tomorrow...it's all about him!

One of my other nieces bought Jake an Xbox 360 and his favorite game!  We have had generous annonymous gifts of cash to help us take a family trip.  The bad part for me is I can't look at those people and know of their generous love for us.  The angels who haven't remained annonymous, I can look at them and remember the sweet acts of service and love they have done for Jake and our family.  Well, God knows who you are...and I am praying for sweet blessings to be poured out upon your head in your time of need! 

Thanks for loving us!

Well...

I have finally gotten past that old plateu and lost 40 lbs!  I may not be able to control everything that is happening around me...but I can control this part...mostly.

I'm going to visit my dad in New York in a couple months.  I will laugh if he doesn't recognize me!  I look forward to buying some new jeans for the trip.  I truly hate wearing clothes that are too big for me...especially pants!

Here's the scoop...

Jake started chemo last Thursday.  The regimen was 2 chemo's at the hospital, one once a day at home (yes, I am officially a cancer nurse!)  I never thought I could stomach watching another person throw up...but I can.  After 3 days of this chemo that made him so sick to his stomach, Jake declared that he did not want to finish.  We convinced him to at least finish the 2 more we had in the fridge.

This was my quiet spot (Coast of Oregon)

When the tumors first appeared, I was a little freaked out!  I have to admit that I found a place away from others and cried until the tears were temporarily out of order.  My mother heart was broken into pieces and I asked God to hold it for a while, until He healed it.  My heart literally ached, not from despair, but from sorrow.  The sobs heard from my throat, came from my heart...from my soul...from depths I never knew existed.

I was not hopeless.
I was not lost.
I was not without love.
I was not forgotten.
I was fallen, like a heap of clay on the sand.

I felt the warmth of loving arms envelop me and all my worries and fears and broken heart...
Crying time was over...my heart was healing...
I can sympathize with those who care for loved ones
...and perhaps I can help them through what seems to them...the hardest part of their journey.

God told me it would be hard...and it is...

I look forward to the day when I can feel joy again!
I'm on my way!
"Awesome and Fabulous" are part of my vocabulary again.

We shall not live in cancer!
We shall live in hope and love and peace.
Let sadness fall by the wayside.
Let broken hearts mend...
Let them be full of gratitude.
May we fill our lives with service to others.
...and when Joy finds her way back to my door
May I hear her knock, open my arms wide and embrace her!