I'm crying...

I'm crying inside.

Although I feel

  this is a test of my faith

An Abraham test

Yet I cry for Jake

I am sad

  that we are not as close

  to the end as I hoped.

But I do hope...

I do believe...

I'm trying not to fear.

...and I'm crying inside.



Thank you!

Thank You!

You pulled more than weeds

-You pulled some stress out of my life

You did more than rearrange my special rocks

-You reminded me that I have friends that care

You did more than trim the deadness out of the flowers

-You gave more life to my heart

You did more than refresh the soil in this small flower patch

-You refreshed my spirit.

Thank you for this great gift of service and love

-I love you…because you did more!

Feelings buried alive...

I have a book:  Feelings Buried Alive Never Die. 
I feel like I need to grieve.
I am sad because we are not closer to the end of this cancer journey.
I'm sad because Jake has to have more treatments.
I grieve the loss of hope of being finished soon and being cancer free.
I'm feeling swallowed up by the everyday chores and tasks that still await my attention.

I was thrilled at the dinner brought in by friends today! 
I've not seen the boys so giddy about getting dinner!  (Pier 49 Pizza!)
I'm grateful for the boys willingness to pitch in and share in the care of Jake.
I feel peace that we will...eventually...have a good outcome.
Perhaps not the road we thought we would take, but ending up in the same place...eventually.

...and perhaps...this is a little taste of what it means to endure to the end...sometimes tormenting...sometimes filled with surprises that are nice and...unexpected. 
The strength,...that was unexpected.  But still...I have to acknowledge the pain.

As one hope leaves us, it makes room for new hope...therefore, hope is not lost.
I like to think of it as being Flexible!  If Plan A doesn't work, then we go with Plan B.  If Plan B isn't successful, then go with Plan C...all the while learning and trusting, praying and hoping, accepting and loving, appreciating and giving back when you can.

Sometimes...you just have to put your hand in God's and let Him walk you through this.

Sweet Family Campout

Zack helping Jake to the tent

Sam, my youngest bro, was in charge of the Sweet Family Camp out this year.  We ended up going up American Fork Canyon (just a few minutes away from our house) this year.  We stayed 2 of the three nights.  It was great to see all my siblings (and mom) with whatever family members they could gather there.

This is the group that hike up to Timpanogos Cave!

Sam had a heart attack moment when his 3 year old son squeezed through the fence (because he was bored) and nearly went over the edge.  That's the kind of excitement we don't need!

This is me and my niece Chelsie!  She was trying to teach me some of her hip hop moves...lets just say she wasn't too impressed, nor was she afraid I would take over the world of dance with my awesome hip hop moves!

There's one in every family, right?

There was a lively game of kick ball in the parking lot.

It was great to see everyone!  I found out how heartless my husband and brother-in-laws to can be in the game of Hearts!  I tried to explain that there was no rule saying that you have to give the queen to the only girl playing!  They wouldn't keep score...but I'm pretty sure I won!

Grateful Heart

I woke up this morning with a grateful heart!  Then, that familiar feeling of warm tears wet my pillow.

I was amazed that my plants had lived through this year.
I pondered how I could keep my house in some relative order and grateful that it added little to the chaos that is our life.
I was grateful to have a garden, small as it is...I ate fresh peas from it yesterday!
I was warmed by the thought of many, many prayers said in our behalf, especially from the children.
I was overwhelmed by the many angels put into our lives to help us through this.
I was touched by the many acts of kindness and love, even from those that did not know us well.
I was strengthened by the faith and prayers of others.
I was lifted up by the many hugs and kind words from those we love.
I was comforted by the love that I have felt from God, Jesus and many relatives that have passed to the other side of the veil.

I was shocked that my brother wrote that he loved me...twice (the boys said probably his wife wrote it!)
I am grateful we have been able to stay out of debt...so far.
I was surprised and very grateful for the generosity and kindness of strangers!
I am thankful for insurance.
I cherish the new and old friends.
I'm so happy this tumor is out of Jake!
I'm amazed at the things I have learned and the experiences I have had.
I'm glad to share this journey with you.

I've learned many lessons, but the greatest would be to trust in God.
If you understand that He knows all about what's going on
and that He wants the best for you and the person you are caring for
even though things don't always go the way you think they should
or it seems like you are having set backs...instead of progress
He knows!
He made promises to me..I have to trust that it will all work out for what is best for Jake...whatever that is.
I don't pretend to know how God is going to keep His promises...
I just trust that He will.

Someone told me that I was too optimistic about Jake's treatment outcome...I wasn't realistic enough.
Yes...sometimes I was afraid...but just as Abraham trusted God to keep His promise of a magnificent posterity...as he was taking his only son to be sacrificed, I also believe that God will do what is best for Jake. 

I know God could have removed the tumor from Jake's body, or shrink it down to a lifeless mass...but, apparently, that wasn't what was best for Jake.  Some people say that we agree to our trials before we come.  I have a hard time believing I would have signed up for this one!  Perhaps that was time time we were overly optimistic...because we didn't know any better.

Thanks!

Thanks for your continued support in praying for Jake! 
Since the cancer is still active in his tumor, he is having it removed on June 29th.
 Please pray that Jake's body will release the tumor and all the cancer cells it's holding.

Some Good News!

For the first time this year, my Lilac bush had a flower on it.  It smelled so gooooood!

Spencer is turning 14 tomorrow!  I asked him what he wanted for his birthday.  His list was as follows: 
An omlet for breakfast
Grilled Cheese for lunch
Mac and Cheese for dinner
and $10.  I scored on this one!!!

I am scheduled to get my missing tooth put on July 1.  I was blessed to have an Endodontist donate the majority of the cost of an implant for one of my terrible teeth!  I get the temporary crown on the first.  I didn't mention it before because then you would notice it more.  I figured if I didn't make a big deal, no one would really notice!

I don't think my cucumbers are coming up this year.  I hope some of my neighbors will have spares!

I'm a bit nervous to find out the results of Jake's scan on Wednesday.  I stocked up on hugs from some of my friends at church today.  I hope that will hold me through the week.  A few people asked me about Jake in church today...which reminded me that he wasn't doing as well as we had hoped.  I didn't like that the doctor said it might be bad news...I guess she just wanted me to prepare my heart for whatever the results may be...good or bad.  I won't know anything until Thursday.  The doctor won't give me the "game plan" until Friday.

I'll post whatever it is...but perhaps you shouldn't call if it's bad because it would not help me to have to talk about it.  But if you could find some time to come give me a hug...that may help give me the strength to help me get through this.

My trainer put me on a strict diet this week so no birthday cake, white bread or treats for me.  I have lost about 30 lbs from January and not quite 20 lbs from my Biggest Loser Contest.  I have been meeting the goals I have set for weight loss.  It does feel good off!  I may not be able to control what goes on around me, but I can control what goes in my mouth!

I am grateful for the nicer weather we have been having!  Zack and John got the cooler running and we will be getting a new set of roof shingles soon.  The shingles are curling, which I found out was because they didn't put vents on our roof.  The first bid was $4800...cough, cough!

What else I didn't say...

I tell my friends "I'm fine...Jake's fine!", but if you want to know how we really feel, go look at my blog!

I'm very nervous about Jake right now!  Hoping that I was ready to be a support to other families going through the same experience, I looked up some blogs of other Rhabdo patients.  I guess I'm not ready.  Too much information (TMI)!  I was surprised at how many sets of twins were affected (one of the two).  I think I came across 3 other sets of twins where one twin was affected by Rhabdo.  Then I came across an article that said that adults with the same stage cancer as children have a much less chance of survival!  I didn't need to see that...did I?

I talked to Jake's doctor today and expressed my disappointment in the fact that his tumor was actually larger than when we started.  She didn't remember it being 4 cm to start, but she will check it out and get back to me tomorrow.  His swelling is worse in his foot and leg.  His skin is getting tighter on his leg! This doesn't seem like an improvement to me.  His pain is the same...not improved.

I have to say...I was hoping that after the last chemo treatment they would say..."All better!  Your life can go back to normal now!  These little set backs are like stabs in the heart...wounding my hope!  You know how you feel when you have been doing a very hard job and you think you're almost finished and someone comes and brings another load and says you can't go home until it's finished...and there might be more after that?  (Sigh!)  I'm just saying.....

What I didn't say...

I should probably blog about the fun family bonding we had in St. George a couple weeks ago...and perhaps I'll get to that later.  But I feel to continue with the update I put on Jake's Blog. 

I'm a bit worried...maybe needlessly...but, it's my job and I do it well!  The MRI report came back and I was finally able to talk to the doctor about it.  She seemed to think it was good, but according to the first measurements, I believe the tumor is bigger than when it started.  We'll be doing a test to see if the tissue is living or not, and if that test turns out well, it doesn't matter if it's bigger or not.  But if not...

Dr. Wright told me not to worry about what we don't know yet.  My fear is that we put Jake through all of this chemo torture for nothing.  Well, we will have to wait and see.  I wish I could feel good about celebrating the end of this.  I hope I can soon!

Closets

Did you ever take a look in your closet and wonder why you kept all that stuff?  I have to admit, sometimes I’m a “closet stuffer”!   If I don’t want to deal with something, I stuff it in a closet. 

Recently, my friend and I cleaned out 15 years of closet stuffing.  We kept very little.  Some stuff we donated because I had so much and couldn’t pass up a good buy.  Some things my kids had out grown and mementos of the past 15 years that I thought I might need to remember my past.  Trash can after trash can full we emptied.

When we were finished, it felt freeing!  I felt more organized and free from clutter and free from stress that I had hid in my closet.

I believe that we do closet stuffing with our past and our feelings.  We hold on to things we think we might need later or continue to pester us from years and years ago.  Every so often, we need to clean out our “past” closets and let go of the stuff we don’t need.  Jeffery R. Holland suggests that we let go and leave it alone and not open old wounds.  It is true for other’s past as well.  Leave well enough alone.  Let them heal and stay that way.  Elder Holland suggests that we remember just enough to not repeat mistakes, but forgive yourself (or others) and move on.

It makes me take another look at “my closet” to see if there are any pet grievances, sorrows, bad feelings, hurt or misperceptions that I have been holding on to.  For the most part, I have been able to keep my house closets clean and organized.  But lately, I have caught myself tossing in a few things I don’t want to deal with, promising myself that I will deal with it soon…but they are still sitting there, cluttering up my clean space.  I’ve become better at keeping the house clean that people see, but if you look close or open the closets, you may find a thing or two out of place.

Such is life, isn’t it?  Some of us have a lot of cleaning to do and some just have to take care of those few things.  Isn’t it nice to know that we can always count on our Savior to help us de-junk?  The best thing is, He’ll haul it all away…if we are willing to give it up..trash can after trash can full!  It’s hard to face the daunting task by yourself, but with a little help from a friend, nothing is too hard…and anything is possible.