Can you relate?

Update--Wow a whole month went by!

2012-02-02T13:15:00.000-07:00

I should really update this blog!

Ok...here's a tidbit of updates...

Zack is getting married on April 27th...this year...as far as I know! We love Caitlin and are looking forward to having her as the newest Mrs. Holladay! They will probably live in Orem, Utah while they both finish school.

Zack is working for Wasatch Electric, not taking any classes this semester, but will get right back into it next semester. He is staying with Caitlin's grandparents during the week because they live so close to his work and his work is so far from home...currently. Caitlin and I miss him very much!

John is going to college to become an EMT/Fireman. I believe he wants to fly helicopters with one hand and take care of patients with the other! His best friend, Austin, is taking the classes with him and Austin is getting married in May.

Mike is still working a Kohlers and he is trying to make up some classes so that he can graduate this year. He likes a girl who just moved to Payson. (45 minutes drive). He decided to see if the van would make a good 4 wheeler and got it stuck in the mud. Had to call a tow truck to get it out. Insurance paid the first $75...Mike gets to pay the rest!

Spencer...still in school, following his father's footsteps...as far as the computer!

Grandma Holladay is staying with us this month! We are getting used to each other again! She is on oxygen and her health has deteriorated since she left last year...but I can still get her to smile! I think she has been depressed for a while...probably because she can't hear a thing anymore! It's gotta be frustrating not to be able to communicate like you used to! I have to keep a white board handy so I can talk to her. We will be seeing about getting her fixed up tomorrow...poor thing!

No trips or anything planned in the near future (except the wedding!). I just like staying home right now...and that's ok.

I still work out and play racquetball, still go to the temple and my friend, Leslie, has been coming over and organizing my cupboards and closets (sooo awesome!). She did my pantry (found some lost treasures in there!), most of my kitchen cupboards and tackled the disaster of a storage closet I have downstairs! She told me I would have empty shelves when she was finished. I didn't believe her...but I do! She has a hyper adrenaline currently and she is organizing my house for therapy! (SCORE!!) I told her I hope she makes it though my entire house before they find a cure!

We are all good here. How about you?

Lessons learned.

2011-12-29T20:35:00.000-07:00

As I have reflected back on this past year, I have realized that I have learned many lessons. I will mention just 12.

1. "How are you?"... Doesn't mean you need to reflect on how you are...but it means they care about you.
2. "I'm sorry"...also means "I care"...not: feel sorry for yourself.
3. Just because they don't talk to you about what you're going through...doesn't mean they don't care. Most of the time it means they don't know what to say.
4. What God has in store for you is very rarely what you had in mind. Trust Him!
5. You will never know how it really feels until you go through it yourself...But Christ knows how you feel.
6. Tender Mercies come in the most unusual and surprising packages.
7. No matter how much you love your own children...God loves them more!
8. Sometimes, Faith and Trust in God is not the easy road...just the best road.
9. Just because things didn't turn out the way you hoped, doesn't mean they didn't turn out the way they were suppose to.
10. You will not be spared experiences that you consider a waste of time when they don't bring the desired outcome. To all things there is a purpose.
11. There is so much more to your life than just you!
12. When you live through heart break, don't forget to look up or beyond yourself to see the sweet love and peace that goes with it.

Rose Buds!

2011-12-19T12:17:00.003-07:00

I have my racquetball/gym buddies (I call them Rose Buds) over for breakfast occasionally...but always for Christmas. It used to only be racquetball, but since I started lifting weights in March I've made many more friends at the gym (cuz I'm so shy!).

This is Barbie and Skipper (Barbie is on the right) haha, or I call them Peggy and Cheryl (Peggy is on the left). These ladies are the most fit mom's I've ever seen. They run everyday and they lift weights on Tuesday and Thursday. I taught them the game of racquetball and got them so sore they could hardly walk...and they promised to kick my butt in abs this week! They basically came and cooked all the food, plus they brought homemade muffins...that were a little too fabulous! They also bought me a pink work out shirt because that is the color they always wear...so now I can be on their team! They're keepers!

This is Leon and Jim. Leon is the one trying to build a bridge across Utah Lake and Jim is an animator and has done work for Disney and other animated movies. We all played racquetball this morning at 7 and then came over to my house for breakfast. A few people I didn't catch pics of before they left were an older couple, Lloyd and Linda Laycock and Doug and Julie Ahlstrom. Doug is an attorney for Draper City and had to go to work.

The older guy in blue is Dave. He has trophies at home for racquetball tournements he has won. He is fun to play. With the guitar is my good friend, Wendy. We have played racquetball and done breakfast for about 3 years now and this was the first time I have heard her play. She lives just west of me and teaches guitar lessons. She is awesome!

This is our friend...other Doug. He got hit in the leg with a racquetball a few months ago and developed a blood clot all up and down his leg (WASN'T ME!!!). He was hospitalized a couple of times and took weeks to recover. He has to wear long pants to play now and wears something on his leg to protect him from getting bruised again. He still plays pretty awesome! He has a shirt that says: Yes Dear is my indian name.

Dave (my Dave) was playing hooky from work to be here so I can't post a picture of him. A bunch of other people couldn't make it because they had to work or went on vacation...stuff like that...but they are all awesome!

This is the tale end of Wendy's beautiful song. (Sorry, that's all I got!)

This is how we rock it at my parties!

This video is my friend Ed and Wendy hittin the strings. Ed plays in a band...several bands. I think most of his boys play in a band with him and he's got a band in California. I think most everyone of my racquetball buddies have a beautiful voice...cept Dave H....but somebody has to play the part of the audience! Good job Dave! Oh, if you're Dave's boss and you're reading this...Dave is really at work working hard(ly)!

We had a great time! Good food, Good friends, great memories!

Zack's MS!

2011-12-11T21:49:00.000-07:00

Zack has an official MS (Main Squeeze)! Her name is Caitlin and we all love her...even Mike! I don't mind not being his best girl anymore...I'll always be his favorite mom! Caitlin is the oldest of 5 girls! She loves music and plays the piano really well! They met at work and attend the same college!

It's so different having girls in the house! My first clue is the giggling! Spence hasn't brought any girls home yet (Thank goodness!) but the other boys bring them...(thank goodness!)!

Tomato Basil Soup

2011-11-28T18:07:00.001-07:00

3 (14 oz) cans crushed/diced tomatoes        1 tsp sugar (optional)
1 (14.5 oz) can chicken broth                      1 c. half and half cream
1-2 t. basil (to taste)                                  6 T butter (optional, I don't use this)

I like to put the tomatoes in a chopper and puree them a bit with some chunks left.
In a large sauce pan bring the tomatoes and broth to boil, then reduce heat and simmer for 10 minutes. Add sugar if you are going to, then slowly add cream (and butter if you are adding it). When the butter is melted it's ready.

I don't know why, but the combined flavor of chicken broth and tomatoes is fabulous! I think I tried it with 2 can tomato/1 chicken broth ratio, which was even better!

I found this recipe on allrecipes.com and modified it. It calls for 1/2 cup of butter and 18 fresh basil leaves, minced and 2 (28 oz.) cans of tomatoes...fyi

Moving on...

2011-11-12T21:52:00.002-07:00

Strange how you feel after losing a close loved one. No one can prepare you for this time...even when you know it's coming. I often think of those who have no warning that a loved one is leaving this life...no more time to say the words you wished you had said or to make the memories you wished you had taken time to make. Some people feel guilt for memories they wished they hadn't made...yet others choose to just live in the sadness and unfairness of it all.

I guess the strange feeling is that I don't know what to do with the love I have for Jake. I have all this love and support and service stored inside me that was suppose to last a much longer lifetime. Each child has their never ending allotment...I just don't know what to do with Jake's!

He has somehow found ways to extend his love to us...many times we have received a sweet service from someone and they would not let us pay them..each of them have said "It's a gift from Jake!" Is it possible to have someone who has already passed, to give Jake his "mommy hugs", stand by him when he needs strength, laugh and joke with him, give him motherly advice when he's trying to make hard choices, take turns praying with him, be his biggest fan as he lives his life, serve him and love him unconditionally...and tell him it's a gift from his mom?

The boys are finding ways to move on...they all have jobs and are going to school (or ready to go to school). I still count heads at prayer time and dinner time to make sure everyone is there. Sometimes we have spares...but it's never going to be the same...no matter how many heads I count. We will always be one short.

Addendum: The moment I posted this, the song Going Home by Kenneth Cope, the one that was sung at Jake's funeral, came on my speakers....I cried.

New York Visit

2011-10-23T17:38:00.000-06:00

Last March I had the opportunity to book a trip back east to see my dad. I thought that Jake would be over his cancer by then (which he is) and it's the best time to go...price-wise. Usually the fall colors are phenomenal, but they were pretty subdued this year. It's pretty wet...it's been their wettest year on record. The riverbeds that are normally dry this year are full and flowing. No one is looking forward to where the water will go next year.

I was hoping to keep working out while I was here. We were able to find a gym that would give me a free one week membership. They had all the equipment I needed to do the workout regimen my trainer had given me...well, as well as I could remember it. I was grateful my dad was willing to make the 35 min. drive to Glens Falls every other day...and then he would either find something to do or sit in the parking lot and read until I was ready...very sweet!

This is my step-bro., Will. We fixed dad's snow blower. Of course, I was a huge help!

If you follow BYU basketball, you will remember this guy...Jimmer Fredette's dad. Jimmer's dad, met my dad! We go to the same ward as Jimmer's family...while in New York. He remembered us from prior visits. There is another family that has been in the ward since I lived here...50 years ago!...the Kabrickies (sp?)! They always come talk with us and catch up when we come. Their daughter works in the temple with my mom...in Utah. Al (Fredette) said he was at the mascot bowl at Lehi High School a few weeks ago...just down the street. I told him to call next time he was in town! Nice, nice guy! We visited for about a 1/2 hour or so. He definitely loves his family!

The blue lady on the left was my old neighbor, Jean Parker. Her older girls used to babysit us sometimes when we lived in Glens Falls. The blue lady on the right is my Aunt Dorothy. She will be turning 85 tomorrow! She lives by herself and she is the one that helps everyone...you could say, if she were LDS, she would be the RS pres. in her ward/branch. Happy birthday Aunt Dot!

This is my daddy! He hasn't changed much in the past 40 years...except he's more wrinkly, bigger tummy and less hair. He's just as loud, still talks to himself, loves to laugh and tell stories...but I think he gets sweeter as he gets older. His training is coming along well! hehe

Tomorrow, we celebrate Aunt Dorothy's b-day, then up early for 6 AM flight home. It's been a nice break, but I need to get back to real life...the whole family does.

Here's to figuring out what that is...and living it!

Dear Jake...

2011-10-09T19:10:00.000-06:00

I felt you let go of my heart a few nights ago...I was wondering if it would break too, but it didn't. It was beating strong...no cracks or leaks. Even the leak in my eyes is getting better...it was close today though! I listened to Hillary Weeks new song "This Is Not Your Home"...a song about sadness...and not wanting it to let it live in your heart...just passing through, ya know?

Sometimes I wonder if there will come a day when the reality of your passing will hit me over the head and I will break down and cry uncontrollably...inconsolable. But that is not the way I feel today. I feel at peace, surprisingly...a little annoyed that my treasured visits with you, Uncle Jack, Uncle Phil, Uncle Jayson...all are taken from me..this year!

I'm going to see grandpa Sweet soon. Somehow I knew that it was ok not to cancel that trip...yet it will be different. Part of my trips to New York were to visit with all my family...but now you can meet them...or you already have!

I hope someday...we can feel the physical hugs we have for each other...as much as we feel the love. Thanks for not just taking off and leaving me so fast. I know it's so awesome where you are...help me remember that!

I'm loving you....again...still!
Mom

Dear Jake....

2011-09-30T21:59:00.001-06:00

Well, Jake...how was it? I woke up this morning feeling the stiffness in my hands and legs and the tightness of my back and thought...Jake doesn't have to feel this stuff anymore! He can walk and not be weary, he can run and not faint.

Was it as cool as I told you it would be? I know it is awesome where you are at. We will be missing you for a long, long time. I'm sitting in your room...listening to the silly fountain the guys got you. You're right...it is kinda calming.

I put a fresh pillow case on your pillow...the one Sylvia made you, and your golf quilt on the bed...the ones my friends came over and help make for you last Christmas. I look at the picture of Jesus and remember how you asked me if that was Zack...an honor for Zack that you would hallucinate that he and Christ were one in the same.

I know you were quick to forgive the pain I would cause you in trying to care for you...the shots, the chemo, the moving of the legs. I thought it the cruelest thing for a mother to have to do for her child...inflict the pain she so wanted to take away...but I promised you and God that I would take care of you. I promised I would help you through this last challenge. You were AWESOME buddy! You have touched so many hearts along the way...you and I will probably never know the extent of the ripples...but they are there bud!

You lived your short life...nothing was unfair about it. I am so sorry the last part was so painful for you...but God told me everything was going exactly the way He had planned for you and not to worry about a thing. I can't think of a more capable, awesome being to have in charge...and so I give it to Him...along with my broken heart...a heart only He can fix.

Be awesome, Jake! We will do our best to be awesome too! Thank you for being you, thank you for your love and the hugs you gave me every night. Thank you for wiping off...I mean, rubbing in my kisses. This hard journey has brought us closer...and I have no doubt that you know my love for you runs deeper into your soul...you will never be without it.

I'm missing you already! I'm looking at so many pictures of your past...it doesn't seem like you are gone...and perhaps my heart and mind just haven't wrapped around the fact that you are really gone...This part really, really hurts!

In case you were wondering...

2011-09-19T17:54:00.000-06:00

I know some of you are wondering if we made the right choice to let Jake choose if he got chemo or not. He's 20 now...so...yes!

Fact: The doctor said if it were her child, she would not force him to have any more chemo treatments. At this point, he was not curable. Chemo treatments would perhaps prolonged his life, but a miserable life it would be.

My thoughts: Just because Jake's life did not turn out the way I had dreamed...doesn't mean he did not live the life he was meant to live. Making Jake suffer any longer than necessary is just inhumane! I won't do it!

I love every minute I have with Jake. Sometimes I just sit next to him and listen to him breathe...because I know I will not even have that soon. We still joke...when I feel he's up to it, and if I can make him smile...through the pain, there is where I find my heart smile.

Although I do not spend the same kind of time with the rest of my boys right now...I still love them just as much. They are very understanding of the time I have to give Jake in his care. They are always willing to help and I know their hearts are breaking as they watch their brother deteriorate every day. They miss the old Jake! We all do!

Family Pics!

2011-09-08T21:56:00.000-06:00

Some sweet friends took these pics of our family at Christopherson Creek...here in Lehi. It's Jake's favorite place to hang out and just chill.

Jake Man

My Bencer

Mike and Dad

Really...John?

Born a minute apart...best buds forever!

Zack attack!

Just me and my honey

Holladay Boys!

Me and my boys!

We had a lot of fun shooting these!

Good times!

Who made me laugh?

2011-08-28T21:49:00.000-06:00

My niece and nephew, Logan and Nadia brought their 2 y.o., Joseph yesterday. They wanted to stop and see Jake and make a donation to the family trip. I was so happy to see them. Joseph is a very active 2 year old...they didn't want to bring him in the house, but every little kid loves Aunt Rose! Right? There was nothing in my aunt or grandma arsenal that worked on Joseph! ...not the dog, not a fruit snack, not even a toy car would convince him! He just wanted to go sit in the car and push buttons! He got down from his father's arms and started for the car, fully expecting his parents to follow. When they didn't follow right away, he came back to the door, gave them "the look", turned himself around and headed for the car again...it's like he was saying, "I thought I had you guys trained better that this! When I turn and walk towards the car, you two are to follow me out!" He did this about 4-5 times! It was hilarious!

Church is kinda hard for me...It's kinda a mixed bag. So many people there wanting to give their love and support, yet a constant reminder of the challenges I face. Always lots of comforting hugs...sometimes tears (who am I kidding...always tears)! I haven't been to church without shedding tears since...I can't remember when. It's the only place some people have an opportunity to see us...so they come with their kind words and well wishes...and often, mine is not the only broken heart.

The kindness and tender mercies keep pouring in. One of my dear friend's family is taking Spencer school shopping tomorrow! It will be all about Spencer! How awesome is that! What a thoughtful gesture! Poor guy has been put on the back burner for the past year. Tomorrow...it's all about him!

One of my other nieces bought Jake an Xbox 360 and his favorite game! We have had generous annonymous gifts of cash to help us take a family trip. The bad part for me is I can't look at those people and know of their generous love for us. The angels who haven't remained annonymous, I can look at them and remember the sweet acts of service and love they have done for Jake and our family. Well, God knows who you are...and I am praying for sweet blessings to be poured out upon your head in your time of need!

Thanks for loving us!

Well...

2011-08-21T08:23:00.000-06:00

I have finally gotten past that old plateu and lost 40 lbs! I may not be able to control everything that is happening around me...but I can control this part...mostly.

I'm going to visit my dad in New York in a couple months. I will laugh if he doesn't recognize me! I look forward to buying some new jeans for the trip. I truly hate wearing clothes that are too big for me...especially pants!

Here's the scoop...

2011-08-09T15:31:00.001-06:00

Jake started chemo last Thursday. The regimen was 2 chemo's at the hospital, one once a day at home (yes, I am officially a cancer nurse!) I never thought I could stomach watching another person throw up...but I can. After 3 days of this chemo that made him so sick to his stomach, Jake declared that he did not want to finish. We convinced him to at least finish the 2 more we had in the fridge.

This was my quiet spot (Coast of Oregon)

When the tumors first appeared, I was a little freaked out! I have to admit that I found a place away from others and cried until the tears were temporarily out of order. My mother heart was broken into pieces and I asked God to hold it for a while, until He healed it. My heart literally ached, not from despair, but from sorrow. The sobs heard from my throat, came from my heart...from my soul...from depths I never knew existed.

I was not hopeless.
I was not lost.
I was not without love.
I was not forgotten.
I was fallen, like a heap of clay on the sand.

I felt the warmth of loving arms envelop me and all my worries and fears and broken heart...
Crying time was over...my heart was healing...
I can sympathize with those who care for loved ones
...and perhaps I can help them through what seems to them...the hardest part of their journey.

God told me it would be hard...and it is...

I look forward to the day when I can feel joy again!
I'm on my way!
"Awesome and Fabulous" are part of my vocabulary again.

We shall not live in cancer!
We shall live in hope and love and peace.
Let sadness fall by the wayside.
Let broken hearts mend...
Let them be full of gratitude.
May we fill our lives with service to others.
...and when Joy finds her way back to my door
May I hear her knock, open my arms wide and embrace her!

I'm crying...

2011-07-28T16:50:00.000-06:00

I'm crying inside.

Although I feel

this is a test of my faith

An Abraham test

Yet I cry for Jake

I am sad

that we are not as close

to the end as I hoped.

But I do hope...

I do believe...

I'm trying not to fear.

...and I'm crying inside.

Thank you!

2011-07-21T21:53:00.000-06:00

Thank You!

You pulled more than weeds

-You pulled some stress out of my life

You did more than rearrange my special rocks

-You reminded me that I have friends that care

You did more than trim the deadness out of the flowers

-You gave more life to my heart

You did more than refresh the soil in this small flower patch

-You refreshed my spirit.

Thank you for this great gift of service and love

-I love you…because you did more!

Feelings buried alive...

2011-07-12T20:08:00.000-06:00

I have a book: Feelings Buried Alive Never Die.
I feel like I need to grieve.
I am sad because we are not closer to the end of this cancer journey.
I'm sad because Jake has to have more treatments.
I grieve the loss of hope of being finished soon and being cancer free.
I'm feeling swallowed up by the everyday chores and tasks that still await my attention.

I was thrilled at the dinner brought in by friends today!
I've not seen the boys so giddy about getting dinner! (Pier 49 Pizza!)
I'm grateful for the boys willingness to pitch in and share in the care of Jake.
I feel peace that we will...eventually...have a good outcome.
Perhaps not the road we thought we would take, but ending up in the same place...eventually.

...and perhaps...this is a little taste of what it means to endure to the end...sometimes tormenting...sometimes filled with surprises that are nice and...unexpected.
The strength,...that was unexpected. But still...I have to acknowledge the pain.

As one hope leaves us, it makes room for new hope...therefore, hope is not lost.
I like to think of it as being Flexible! If Plan A doesn't work, then we go with Plan B. If Plan B isn't successful, then go with Plan C...all the while learning and trusting, praying and hoping, accepting and loving, appreciating and giving back when you can.

Sometimes...you just have to put your hand in God's and let Him walk you through this.

Sweet Family Campout

2011-07-10T22:09:00.000-06:00

Zack helping Jake to the tent

Sam, my youngest bro, was in charge of the Sweet Family Camp out this year. We ended up going up American Fork Canyon (just a few minutes away from our house) this year. We stayed 2 of the three nights. It was great to see all my siblings (and mom) with whatever family members they could gather there.

This is the group that hike up to Timpanogos Cave!

Sam had a heart attack moment when his 3 year old son squeezed through the fence (because he was bored) and nearly went over the edge. That's the kind of excitement we don't need!

This is me and my niece Chelsie! She was trying to teach me some of her hip hop moves...lets just say she wasn't too impressed, nor was she afraid I would take over the world of dance with my awesome hip hop moves!

There's one in every family, right?

There was a lively game of kick ball in the parking lot.

It was great to see everyone! I found out how heartless my husband and brother-in-laws to can be in the game of Hearts! I tried to explain that there was no rule saying that you have to give the queen to the only girl playing! They wouldn't keep score...but I'm pretty sure I won!

Grateful Heart

2011-07-03T07:34:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning with a grateful heart! Then, that familiar feeling of warm tears wet my pillow.

I was amazed that my plants had lived through this year.
I pondered how I could keep my house in some relative order and grateful that it added little to the chaos that is our life.
I was grateful to have a garden, small as it is...I ate fresh peas from it yesterday!
I was warmed by the thought of many, many prayers said in our behalf, especially from the children.
I was overwhelmed by the many angels put into our lives to help us through this.
I was touched by the many acts of kindness and love, even from those that did not know us well.
I was strengthened by the faith and prayers of others.
I was lifted up by the many hugs and kind words from those we love.
I was comforted by the love that I have felt from God, Jesus and many relatives that have passed to the other side of the veil.

I was shocked that my brother wrote that he loved me...twice (the boys said probably his wife wrote it!)
I am grateful we have been able to stay out of debt...so far.
I was surprised and very grateful for the generosity and kindness of strangers!
I am thankful for insurance.
I cherish the new and old friends.
I'm so happy this tumor is out of Jake!
I'm amazed at the things I have learned and the experiences I have had.
I'm glad to share this journey with you.

I've learned many lessons, but the greatest would be to trust in God.
If you understand that He knows all about what's going on
and that He wants the best for you and the person you are caring for
even though things don't always go the way you think they should
or it seems like you are having set backs...instead of progress
He knows!
He made promises to me..I have to trust that it will all work out for what is best for Jake...whatever that is.
I don't pretend to know how God is going to keep His promises...
I just trust that He will.

Someone told me that I was too optimistic about Jake's treatment outcome...I wasn't realistic enough.
Yes...sometimes I was afraid...but just as Abraham trusted God to keep His promise of a magnificent posterity...as he was taking his only son to be sacrificed, I also believe that God will do what is best for Jake.

I know God could have removed the tumor from Jake's body, or shrink it down to a lifeless mass...but, apparently, that wasn't what was best for Jake. Some people say that we agree to our trials before we come. I have a hard time believing I would have signed up for this one! Perhaps that was time time we were overly optimistic...because we didn't know any better.

Thanks!

2011-06-23T11:27:00.000-06:00

Thanks for your continued support in praying for Jake!
Since the cancer is still active in his tumor, he is having it removed on June 29th.
Please pray that Jake's body will release the tumor and all the cancer cells it's holding.

Some Good News!

2011-06-12T20:32:00.000-06:00

For the first time this year, my Lilac bush had a flower on it. It smelled so gooooood!

Spencer is turning 14 tomorrow! I asked him what he wanted for his birthday. His list was as follows:
An omlet for breakfast
Grilled Cheese for lunch
Mac and Cheese for dinner
and $10. I scored on this one!!!

I am scheduled to get my missing tooth put on July 1. I was blessed to have an Endodontist donate the majority of the cost of an implant for one of my terrible teeth! I get the temporary crown on the first. I didn't mention it before because then you would notice it more. I figured if I didn't make a big deal, no one would really notice!

I don't think my cucumbers are coming up this year. I hope some of my neighbors will have spares!

I'm a bit nervous to find out the results of Jake's scan on Wednesday. I stocked up on hugs from some of my friends at church today. I hope that will hold me through the week. A few people asked me about Jake in church today...which reminded me that he wasn't doing as well as we had hoped. I didn't like that the doctor said it might be bad news...I guess she just wanted me to prepare my heart for whatever the results may be...good or bad. I won't know anything until Thursday. The doctor won't give me the "game plan" until Friday.

I'll post whatever it is...but perhaps you shouldn't call if it's bad because it would not help me to have to talk about it. But if you could find some time to come give me a hug...that may help give me the strength to help me get through this.

My trainer put me on a strict diet this week so no birthday cake, white bread or treats for me. I have lost about 30 lbs from January and not quite 20 lbs from my Biggest Loser Contest. I have been meeting the goals I have set for weight loss. It does feel good off! I may not be able to control what goes on around me, but I can control what goes in my mouth!

I am grateful for the nicer weather we have been having! Zack and John got the cooler running and we will be getting a new set of roof shingles soon. The shingles are curling, which I found out was because they didn't put vents on our roof. The first bid was $4800...cough, cough!

What else I didn't say...

2011-06-07T20:12:00.000-06:00

I tell my friends "I'm fine...Jake's fine!", but if you want to know how we really feel, go look at my blog!

I'm very nervous about Jake right now! Hoping that I was ready to be a support to other families going through the same experience, I looked up some blogs of other Rhabdo patients. I guess I'm not ready. Too much information (TMI)! I was surprised at how many sets of twins were affected (one of the two). I think I came across 3 other sets of twins where one twin was affected by Rhabdo. Then I came across an article that said that adults with the same stage cancer as children have a much less chance of survival! I didn't need to see that...did I?

I talked to Jake's doctor today and expressed my disappointment in the fact that his tumor was actually larger than when we started. She didn't remember it being 4 cm to start, but she will check it out and get back to me tomorrow. His swelling is worse in his foot and leg. His skin is getting tighter on his leg! This doesn't seem like an improvement to me. His pain is the same...not improved.

I have to say...I was hoping that after the last chemo treatment they would say..."All better! Your life can go back to normal now! These little set backs are like stabs in the heart...wounding my hope! You know how you feel when you have been doing a very hard job and you think you're almost finished and someone comes and brings another load and says you can't go home until it's finished...and there might be more after that? (Sigh!) I'm just saying.....

What I didn't say...

2011-05-29T13:38:00.001-06:00

I should probably blog about the fun family bonding we had in St. George a couple weeks ago...and perhaps I'll get to that later. But I feel to continue with the update I put on Jake's Blog.

I'm a bit worried...maybe needlessly...but, it's my job and I do it well! The MRI report came back and I was finally able to talk to the doctor about it. She seemed to think it was good, but according to the first measurements, I believe the tumor is bigger than when it started. We'll be doing a test to see if the tissue is living or not, and if that test turns out well, it doesn't matter if it's bigger or not. But if not...

Dr. Wright told me not to worry about what we don't know yet. My fear is that we put Jake through all of this chemo torture for nothing. Well, we will have to wait and see. I wish I could feel good about celebrating the end of this. I hope I can soon!

Closets

2011-05-18T15:05:00.001-06:00

Did you ever take a look in your closet and wonder why you kept all that stuff? I have to admit, sometimes I’m a “closet stuffer”! If I don’t want to deal with something, I stuff it in a closet.

Recently, my friend and I cleaned out 15 years of closet stuffing. We kept very little. Some stuff we donated because I had so much and couldn’t pass up a good buy. Some things my kids had out grown and mementos of the past 15 years that I thought I might need to remember my past. Trash can after trash can full we emptied.

When we were finished, it felt freeing! I felt more organized and free from clutter and free from stress that I had hid in my closet.

I believe that we do closet stuffing with our past and our feelings. We hold on to things we think we might need later or continue to pester us from years and years ago. Every so often, we need to clean out our “past” closets and let go of the stuff we don’t need. Jeffery R. Holland suggests that we let go and leave it alone and not open old wounds. It is true for other’s past as well. Leave well enough alone. Let them heal and stay that way. Elder Holland suggests that we remember just enough to not repeat mistakes, but forgive yourself (or others) and move on.

It makes me take another look at “my closet” to see if there are any pet grievances, sorrows, bad feelings, hurt or misperceptions that I have been holding on to. For the most part, I have been able to keep my house closets clean and organized. But lately, I have caught myself tossing in a few things I don’t want to deal with, promising myself that I will deal with it soon…but they are still sitting there, cluttering up my clean space. I’ve become better at keeping the house clean that people see, but if you look close or open the closets, you may find a thing or two out of place.

Such is life, isn’t it? Some of us have a lot of cleaning to do and some just have to take care of those few things. Isn’t it nice to know that we can always count on our Savior to help us de-junk? The best thing is, He’ll haul it all away…if we are willing to give it up..trash can after trash can full! It’s hard to face the daunting task by yourself, but with a little help from a friend, nothing is too hard…and anything is possible.

More Birthdays and a short Spring Break!

2011-04-20T21:56:00.001-06:00

After a successful all day chemo treatment on Tuesday, Jake and I took a ride down to St. George to see John and pick up Spencer. They took us to Snow Canyon to play in the sand. John let a girl use his hair for her first hair cut. A little "Dutch boyish"...but I've seen worse.

Jake did really good to limit his time in the sun to 15 minutes. He had fun in the sand, but his energy was lacking.

This is our new friend, Cherie. She was awesome with the boys! I believe she is the first adult (besides us) to take an interest in Spencer (like your coolest aunt!). They liked to play cards and watch Netflix shows and go for hikes together. She's a keeper! I believe we are going to officially adopt her!

I couldn't believe what a mountain goat Spencer was! He is the tallest rock a little to the left of the center of the picture. He just scrambled up this mountain. Spencer went jogging with me twice while we were down there. He walks so fast, I had to lengthen my stride to keep up with him! I don't think he will have any problems doing the trek the ward has planned this summer!

I know this doesn't look like much, and you may have to click on the picture to get the full details, but these are baby turtle tracks.

I had to borrow some not-so-great scissors, but I fixed John's hair. Here are my two 20 year olds! So weird to think I have 3 boys in their 20's! I just had 4 teenagers 2 days ago! Happy Birthday Munchkins!

Happy Birthday! ...ok late, but I finally finished this post!

2011-04-20T21:13:00.001-06:00

Yes, I was born this day, 51 years ago! I'm a bit larger, I probably cry as much, but not as loud, I've learned not to wet myself, I can bath and dress myself, and feed myself. So as you can see, I have made great strides in my life.

God gives me a flower for my birthday every year! This is the one He gave me this year!

I think the Easter Bunny got frozen this year...so if you don't get any candy...don't be surprised!

This is also what I got for my birthday...the earth covered in white! It reminded me it was time to go to the temple! :)

Just trying to keep up!

2011-04-10T21:46:00.001-06:00

I took some pics for a nice b-day post, but couldn't find the time or energy to post this week. I think our lives go in cycles. You can get yourself pumped up and ready to go do everything needful, hit all your goals for the week and feel good about yourself, but eventually you hit the dragging point...where inspiration and motivation is harder and harder to come by. That's where I'm at...the dragging point.

On a good note, I am reading a book! I don't like to read, but I'm making an effort to read more. I quickly fall asleep when I read, so I have to do it short spurts. I'm learning new stuff and hopefully, at the end of the day, I'm doing a little better than the day before.

I try not to beat myself up for having weaknesses and occasionally, I try to do better than the best I can. I have to say, often it surprises me at what I can accomplish if I try just...a...little...bit...harder!

My husband often tells me that if I don't expect too much, I won't be disappointed. I say, if you don't expect enough, you will never move ahead!

Tomorrow, looks good, don'tcha think?

Trying to teach the boys...

2011-03-27T21:40:00.000-06:00

I was having a conversation today with Zack and Dave on how women sometimes had a need to be validated. Perplexity covered their faces, so I proceeded to list off some helpful comments they could use to validate their wife, when she was trying to tell how her day went I carefully pointed out that guys just wanted to fix things and we found that annoying. Zack dutifully said he would make a note of those things. Dave asked, "If you don't want us to fix it, why are you telling us?" Never mind. I'll just call Joyce when I need to be validated. Sheesh!

There is sunshine in my soul today...

2011-03-27T17:25:00.000-06:00

Dear God,
Thank you for the sunshine today, it warms my soul.
Thank you for the budding flowers, they remind me that spring will be here soon.
Thank you for my friends, they always have my back!
Thank you for my family, because I live in love when I'm home.
Thank you for thy Holy House, because I always feel your warm embrace when I'm there.
Thank you for my angels, who constantly watch over an comfort me.
Thank you for my trials, for I have gained so much strength from them and they bring me closer to You.
and Thank you for thy many tender mercies, because it brings me comfort to know how much You love me.

Today is a better day!

2011-03-23T18:13:00.000-06:00

The sun is shining, I got enough sleep last night, got my exercise in this morning, made it to all my appointments on time...well, within 5 minutes, and I have eaten healthy today!

Jake is very tired today, but he was up playing on the computer earlier, so he must not feel too bad.

Mike started his first official job (the kind that takes taxes out) today! He works at Kohlers in Lehi, so look for him when you shop there!

My hair is lighter today...I like it! :)

Some days are like this...Even in Australia!

2011-03-20T16:56:00.002-06:00

So, we are getting closer to the third to the last long chemo. Platelet counts were only up to 44 on Thursday, so we have been getting him detoxed as often as possible (Thank you so much, Sharon!). He will get his blood drawn tomorrow to see where he's at. If his platelets are not up to 75, no chemo this week.

Last night, he spiked a fever of 103! He refused to go to the hospital. I called the Hem/Onc doctor on call, and had her talk to him, but he still wouldn't go. He had a detox yesterday and this afternoon. He asked Dave and Zack for a blessing. Between the two of them, his fever is back down to normal. I'm grateful for that, but he said, "See mom! Aren't you glad we didn't go to the ER?" I'm grateful he is feeling better, but I didn't want this little miracle to feed into his teenage invincibility. Now it will be even harder to get him to the hospital when he needs to go. I am so looking forward to this being over!

I received a note last night that my sister-in-law's mom died of cancer yesterday. She has had 6 bouts of cancer to battle these past years. My uncle Jack was diagnosed with cancer and won't make it to his next birthday. The lady down the street was diagnosed with cancer and is going through radiation therapy. It all came to a head this morning and I just couldn't stop the tears all day.

Have you ever felt like someone peeled back the protective layers of your heart and left it laying there, vulnerable to every sad thought or touching moment? Do you ever see someone cry and it makes you cry? Yes, I looked in the mirror, saw myself crying and cried even more. (I know you men can't relate to this, but the sista's have got my back on this one!) Singing the opening hymn in church made me cry. Thinking about the missionary leaving made me cry. Hugging a friend made me cry. Thinking about hugging a friend made me cry? Thinking about trials made me cry. Leading the music in RS made me bawl like a baby! (Extremely embarrassing!) I hid my face for part of the song with the book. The pages were blurred by my tears, so I just took some deep breaths, stopped trying to sing and led on...tears streaming down my face. I didn't want to take away from the spirit of the meeting, but I had no control at that point. I text a friend and told her my heart needed her to come sit by me. She came...and I could feel her love envelope me and bear me up through the rest of the meeting.

I don't ever remember feeling this vulnerable in my life, or sad! I'm glad I'm feeling better now...stronger, somehow. I apologize to my RS sisters who had to witness this emotional meltdown, but I am grateful that I was surrounded by their love, when it happened. I'm not saying this is the worse day of my life, just a very emotional one. Serving my family will help me get out of this funk, so I'm going to go make their favorite dinner.

As Alexander's mom said....Some days are like this...even in Australia!

Biggest Loser part I

2011-03-15T15:22:00.000-06:00

So this is my latest endeavor! I have joined the AF Fitness Center's (that's where we play racquetball) Biggest Loser contest! The weigh in isn't until the 17th, but I have already started losing weight. I have lost 18 lbs since last Christmas! I just barely got past the ever-frustrating plateau block that has been my constant companion for many years! Unfortunately, I don't get credit for the weight I lose before Thursday, but it still feels good! I'm imagining how good my knees are going to feel without the extra weight!

Jake's counts are up, chemo went well, and...this is just the best day I have had in a long, long time!

Happy Birthday Uncle Jack!

2011-03-11T20:44:00.000-07:00

Uncle Jack was just diagnosed with cancer, so this will be the last birthday I get to spend with him.

It's so far advanced, they only give him 2 weeks-2 months. As a tradition, I make him a nice homemade meal and go visit him on his birthday. This year was no different. My dear friend, Sylvia, made and sent some super delicious homemade bread, like Aunt Enid used to make. It was a big hit! Love in every bite!

Aunt Belva took this pic. She kept putting her finger over the lens!

This is me and Uncle Jake on his 84th birthday, today! I've nearly worn out the shirt I'm wearing. Uncle Jack bought it for me. It was the second one he got me, so I told him it was tradition and we had to do it every year! They all have Moroni, Utah on them...his home town. Uncle Jack has been my stand-in dad since I got married. He gave me away on my wedding day and was my witness at my temple sealing.

I would often visit them in Moroni when I was younger. I always loved it when he stood at the top of the stairs and yelled down every child's name to wake them up. I would lay there, silently anticipating my name. He never left me out!

We love to tease each other, as he does all of the nieces and nephews. We spent many an adventure 4-wheeling up in Maple Canyon, admiring the beauty of the canyon and often sitting and having long talks together. He would take me on forgotten trials that had big logs across them. He would go right over top of them...and I would follow whooping and laughing at my "old" uncle's adventurous character (This was only a couple years ago!). He liked to go very slow. At first I didn't like the snail pace, but he taught me to not be in such a hurry and enjoy the ride. However, when we got towards the bottom of the canyon, or on the road to Jerusalem, he would often surprise me and race off! When I finally caught up with him, he'd be just a giggling! The evenings would usually include a game of Kings on the Corner. I'd always catch him cheating...usually he'd put the wrong color cards or wrong number and then pretend he didn't notice anything wrong. He quacks me up!

This is my cousin, Cindy and her hubby, Andy. She is one amazing woman! She cares for her brother, J.L., who had a stroke 6 years ago. She tirelessly attends to his needs and helps him through physical therapy. Without her, I think he would still be lying in bed, paralyzed. I so admire the love and patience she has for her brother. She gives the best hugs!

A little D&C...(Dusting and Cleaning)

2011-03-06T18:12:00.000-07:00

No, this isn't a post about how I got my spring cleaning done (though I wouldn't mind if it were true!). I posted on another blog that my stress level was minimal. But the more I pondered on that thought, I found that there were several things that were bothering me, and creating stress that I was ignoring. This weekend, I had a little talk with each of those people to clear up my misperceptions. I was surprised at the emotion attached to those stress creators! I was able to get those feelings validated, my perceptions corrected or aligned with the right person, opened the front door and let those worries, concerns and stress scurry out of my life! Man that felt good!

BaBye! I won't miss you!

Next! :)

Chemo: Week 31

2011-03-03T19:35:00.000-07:00

Update on forethesakeofjake.blogspot.com

Tune in next week...

2011-02-27T19:59:00.000-07:00

My boys are taking part in a Ward Missionary Challenge this week. They challenged the parents to also participate. This will be interesting! Actually, the only thing I think will be very challenging for me is the "no electronics". I'll do my best! It's a good thing couple missionaries can blog!

Jake and I went to my girlfriend-in-law's and had a detox done. It's a procedure where you put your feet in water and electrical currents pulls the toxic crap out of your body and into the water.

This one was mine. She put crystal clear water in it and after 45 min. it looked like this! Kinda gross huh!

This is Jake's. His was a bit darker than mine, but mine was like this on Thursday. Mine had flecks of black in it...metals I heard. It's amazing to me that this crap is floating around in our bodies! Surprisingly, I feel much less wiped out at night and I have way more energy during the morning. We are hoping this helps Jake and his platelets. Tomorrow, he will have another blood draw to see if his platelets are high enough to get chemo on Tuesday. I get to have a little minor surgery so I'm looking forward to a nice long nap! I guess I'll have to get up a little before 6 a.m. to eat breakfast! Hey, since we are pretending to be missionaries, someone should invite us to dinner!!! JK

Well, wish us luck! We will try hard to be good member missionaries!

Prayer time!

2011-02-22T15:43:00.001-07:00

So, instead of chemo today, it was laundry and cleaning the kitchen (Yay!)! I talked to the nurse today to see if there was anything we could do to get Jake's platelets up enough to get chemo, but she had nothing. All I have is you guys and God, so if you could please say a prayer for Jake to get his platelet count up to at least 75 so he can continue with his chemo treatments so we can get this over with and he can get on with his life!

Jake's in really good spirits these days! Sadly, he has lost so much strength in his hands and feet, just coming up the stairs is a hardship for him. Sometimes he has to crawl up the last 5 stairs. He told me yesterday he fell down and had to get help to get back up. I asked him if he needed one of those geriatric gizmos so he could say, "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!" I know it's more sad than funny, but we try to make light of the hard stuff so it doesn't seem like such a tragedy. It's better than crying all the time!

:)

2011-02-22T08:42:00.001-07:00

It's going to be a great day today, right?!

Live life...on purpose!

2011-02-17T12:11:00.000-07:00

Sorry, I was about to post this and the power went out last night. Luckily, a draft was saved...so here it is!

What a beautiful, blustery day today! I can't believe I let 2 weeks go by without posting! I have been enjoying the warmer weather this week! I set some goals for myself, but didn't quite get to the "washing my car" part.

My friend, Jenene, came over and helped me dig out some old memories I was keeping in the storage closet. Three trips to the trash can, 1 trip to the D.I. (Good Will) and one box down to storage in the basement later, I have an organized closet! I thought we were only going to do one shelf, but Jenene made me press on until it was all out (what a true friend!)! So many things I thought would be important for the past 15 years, wasn't. Many things our family had grown out of. I don't spend much time on crafts, so a lot of that had to go. A very large donation to the church library of pens, pencils and crayons. I still have a storage room downstairs that needs the same discriminating cleansing...and I will...soon. It's on my "ducks in a row" list.

I love the organized life! What I didn't expect was the big relief of stress. I wasn't even aware that mess was causing stress! It was behind closed doors...out of sight, out of mind, right? Not right! It makes me wonder what life concept I have believed all my life to make me think it was import to save all the tidbits and mementos in my life. Two binders should do it, right? When I die, how many binders and journals do you want to look through...really! I also wonder...what other stuff do we bury inside ourselves that causes us stress we don't realize...until we throw it away.

We didn't go for chemo this week. I don't know why I was feeling...I don't know, afraid, perhaps. Maybe it's because the last trip to the hospital was more than a little scary for me. I had mixed feelings when the nurse called me and said his platelets were too low for chemo. Glad for the break, but disappointed we couldn't get on with the treatments so they could be over. The new last day of chemo is April 26th...maybe. I'm ready for some good news!

Sadly, this isn't the good news week. One of my best friends, Rinda, lost one of her boys to mental illness. He couldn't take the battle raging in his mind any longer and he silenced the voices on Valentine's Day. My heart breaks for her loss. He had a beautiful toddler boy, whom he adored. He had many people in his life who loved him, but it wasn't enough. I don't know if it is a gift to him or not...to wake up without the rage and hopelessness that he doesn't understand, yet leave his son's life so soon, that his son will never remember the love that he had for him. It's sad, either way. Rest in peace, Kenny! Rest... in peace.

Musings...

2011-02-02T16:23:00.000-07:00

I was just sitting here getting a grateful heart for all of the different people in my life. I don't know if we get to pick the families we are born into, or where you fall in the "pecking order". I am the oldest girl, but I don't think I was a very good big sister. Some people come by it naturally, but I needed a role model. I looked to my cousins, but didn't see them often enough to grasp what a cool big sister was suppose to be like. What I really wanted was to have a big sister of my own. Marrying into Dave's family gave me that. His sister, Joyce, is about 9 years my senior. I love talking to her and hanging out with her. We get together and play cards (with our hubbies), sometimes or go out to eat...or both. She's an "only girl", so she likes having a younger sister to share with. She has a wonderful gift of knowing how to validate!

I have sisters...and brothers, but it seems they are too busy or too far away to have the sibling relationships I need in my life. So God puts substitutes in...I love that!!! I have so many friends to fill my "relationship" needs! Friends of every, shape, size and age. I have sister/friends who come help me get my life organized, some who bring me "love" bread or treats, some who make me laugh, play sports with me, have nice long heart-to-heart talks, sister hugs, given me advice, shared heart aches, bring me flowers, brings my family meals when needed. They are sisters of my heart. <3

My guy friends are awesome too! I think of them as brothers...mostly they are the guys that love to tease me! One brother/friend loves to steal my music in choir. Another loves to come screaming into my racquetball court and scare the living daylights out of me...OK, that part isn't so awesome, but it's usually funny! One of them rallied behind our family and sent emails out to all his friends in support of Jake, and raised over $1000 to go towards Jake's bills! None of his friends knew us...I was very touched! Mostly, they like to make me laugh...or scream! lol

So, yes...I am grateful for my brother/sister friends who fill my need to have brothers and sisters...every day!

The Chemo Journey

2011-01-26T11:31:00.000-07:00

If you ever wondered what it's like to come get chemo, this is where we start.

This is the cafeteria. It's the first smell of the hospital. If it's your first time, it can smell pretty good. After a few months, if you're getting chemo, it's the first smell to make you nauseous.

This is a common sight in the hallways...mommy or daddy trying to pass the time with a little one.

This is the first stop...Hem/Onc Clinic. The clinic doors open at 8:00 a.m. and that is when the fun begins for us. We have to get up at 6:15 a.m. to get here on time. If you're 5 minutes late, it usually holds up the process by 1/2 hour.

Here we sit until the nurse is ready to weigh and take vitals. Jake laughed at the nurse taking his height this time. "I really don't think I'm growing anymore!"

With his height and weight, they can now order the chemo to be made up. It takes hours, but that's ok because they have to make sure he is hydrated enough before they can start the chemo.

Then we get to sit in a room like this and ...wait! On "long" chemo days, the home care nurse has already accessed his port and he has been having saline solution all night. The nurse will start some more bolus of saline. A doctor will come in and check on Jake, then we move on to the next room...

This is where we spend most of the day. We pick a spot and there we stay all...day...long...! This week we were in station 2. Jake kinda likes the corner because it's not too bright and close to the bathroom. They have Wii and Xbox 360, but after a few months of this, it gets old too. At first, Jake would play the Xbox the whole time. Now he listens to his music, plays on the laptop or watches movies if there is anything good on. We watched How to Train a Dragon yesterday. They change the movies about once a month. The last two times we were here, we got to leave around 6:15 p.m.

If you're not so lucky to get your chemo done in one day, your are banished to this area of the hospital! JK This is where they keep the nicest nursing staff in all the hospital! The nurses in clinic are pretty nice too!

This is the next stop. This area of the hospital is filled with children with compromised immune systems, so it is critical that everyone makes a sanitizing stop. Then you have to lift the phone to gain entrance.

This in the main nurses pod. There are 4 hallways with additional nurses pods, so there is always a nurse right outside your door.

Dr. Wright, checking on Jake

This is where we spent the night last night. Luckily, we had a room with a fabulous view. Unluckily, it is foggy today! The yellow chair folds out into a bed. Not the most comfortable, but better than having to sleep in the rocking chair! Because they continue to hydrate him, there are many trips to the bathroom throughout the night. Lots of beeping going on, so very hard to get any sleep

I am so grateful we have never had to stay in the hospital more than one night! Many of the parents here are here for months at a time. They have showers here and there is a gym across the street, but I have never used them.

This is the first time I have stayed overnight with Jake. The other times, it was routine stuff, so I didn't mind leaving him here by himself. But when his blood pressure dropped to 69/37, I couldn't leave!

I got this pillowcase from the parent craft room. They have a box that has gifts for the siblings of cancer patients. Most of the stuff is for the younger kids, but occasionally they have something the older boys like. I would have ended with just making the pillow case, but whoever made this one, took extra time and care in putting on, not one, but two colorful borders. I ended up using this pillow case because I can't stand the smell of the hospital bedding. As I lay there, silently weeping over my child's illness I could feel the love that the maker of this pillowcase offered. If their intent in donating this pillowcase was to bring some comfort to someone in the hospital, well it did that for me.

As I prayed for Jake that night, I felt all the mother's prayers going up from this hospital into a very nearby heaven.

This is Jake about 5 minutes ago. He is so puffy from all the fluid they have been pumping into him. It's about 11:30 A.M. The doctor just told me he needs to stay for one more round of antibiotics at 4:15, then he can go home. (big sigh!)

Abide with Me

2011-01-26T04:09:00.000-07:00

Abide with me, ’tis eventide!
The day is past and gone;
The shadows of the evening fall;
The night is coming on!
Within my heart a welcome Guest,
Within my home abide.
O Savior, stay this night with me;
Behold, ’tis eventide!
O Savior, stay this night with me;
Behold, ’tis eventide!

Chemo week whatever...

2011-01-25T21:45:00.000-07:00

So we get to the hospital at 8:05 a.m. and everything was going as planned. His red and white counts were kind of low, so we said, lets get the transfusion today instead of coming back in a couple days. It would add an hour or so to our stay, but it would be worth it. Everything was going well until we got the last of the chemo. He has to have some antibiotics and a drug that coats his bladder, so the chemo doesn't damage it. Jake suddenly got very sick and extremely tired. He started throwing up (sorry if that's TMI). His blood pressure dropped dramatically and his heart was tachycardic (beating too fast). They had planned to put us in short care until his medicine had finished being pumped into his body, but with this new development, he had to be admitted.

The doctor and nurses tried to get him to take some Tylenol, but he said he was too tired to swallow it. He wouldn't take it for about an hour. Finally, I told the nurse to just give it to him in a syringe, don't ask, just put it in his mouth and tell him to swallow! Jake hates staying in the hospital, but at this point, he was too weak and tired to put up a fuss. I told him earlier, if he would take the Tylenol, he wouldn't have to stay here...I couldn't convince him.

It's about 9:15 p.m. now. His temerature is finally back to normal. His blood pressure is still pretty low. They have been giving him fluids, antibiotics, antinausea medicines and I'm not sure what else. He hasn't peed for over 3 hours, which I think with all the fluids he's been getting, he should be about ready to explode! Sorry, maybe more TMI (too much info.). I'm pretty wiped out myself, but I can't decide if I should go home or not. I really can't leave until I'm sure he's going to be ok.

Poor Jakey! I can't imagine what this feels like for him.

This is the kind of surprise I don't like! Mostly because it doesn't make sense to me. I need things to be normal. Just when I think I know what normal is, it"s not again. Sigh....

Well, we'll just "gird up our loins" and keep going. What other choice do we have, right? Like I tell my boys, you don't have to like it, it just have to do it!

Update time!

2011-01-22T16:51:00.000-07:00

So it's time to update because let's face it, no updates is more boring than a boring update!
Dave: Dave is boring. He is coaching Spencer and the deacons in basketball and they won today! Otherwise, he just goes to work, comes home and plays on his computer...zzzz. We do try to get in a game of racquetball and we won most of the games today! That was fun!

Me: I have been painting and cleaning. I painted grandma's room and Zack and I put some trim up. Looks very nice! I painted three doors and patched and painted some trim. I shampooed the big couch, two recliners and two cars and got the boys to clean two of the other cars. So nice to have things smelling clean! I worked on the taxes and made a mess of my desk, which I will be tackling shortly. We have spent so much money on medical this year, we will be getting a nice tax break. However, I just found out that it will all be going right back into medical...so...that's the way it goes I guess.
Zack: School. He helped with my projects too. Thanks Zack! Lova ya, bud!
John: More nothing, but he helped me with my projects too. I'm constantly reminding him to get a life, in case he has forgotten.
Jake: Jake is "conquering cancer", as Dave puts it. He was feeling better on Wednesday, so he went to Trafalga with John and Austin, then to Classic Skating. Way to be active, Jake!
Mike: Mike has a "girl friend", though I'm not suppose to call her that because she's not 16 quite yet. They are head over heel in teenage love! Her family loves him! They haven't been on a date yet, but I'm sure they will be planning something next month. His consequence of waiting to get his license is that he can't drive her around until May. He is currently looking for a job so he can afford all the things he wants to buy her and the dates he wants to take her on. Benefit from this relationship: His room is clean! Like!
Spencer: Spencer and Mike have just started a new semester of school. I'm encouraging him to play the piano and guitar dailey. He doesn't like it much, but I'm trying to practice piano too, so I don't lose what I have learned and so that he doesn't feel like I'm asking him to do something I wouldn't be willing to do. Probably not buying it, but it's worth a try! He is playing basketball with the deacons and was excited to win their first game! I'm surprised he likes playing because he doesn't seem like the sports type...but he tries, bless his heart! Reminds me of me at that age. Sorry you didn't get dad's genes in the sports department bud!
Grandma Holladay: Grandma took a vacation to San Diego this month. She is loving the warm weather! I talked to her today and she wants to stay with my neice in Saratoga Springs when she gets back next week. I guess we are too boring for her. I am enjoying the break! No wonder I have gotten so much done lately!

What's next? Well, I am going to paint the main bathroom and the hall and bathroom downstairs, then I will call the painting good for a while. So happy to have that all done! The next project will be to clean out the garage and get it organized so it's useful to put stuff out there. No, I guess I have a couple other projects before that. I'm going to finish organizing the storage closet upstairs, the pantry and my storage closet downstairs. I think I'm done doing craft stuff, so if anyone is interested in craft supplies, let me know.

Well, that wraps up January update! I hope some fun happens soon, so I can have something more exciting to report!

Blog ya later!

Why am I a Mormon?

2011-01-13T12:37:00.001-07:00

I've thought long and hard about this question. I look at the map on my blog and am inspired by the many strangers who visit here. So it is to you, my unknown visitors that I direct this post.

If you have any questions about the LDS (Mormon) church please click on this link.LDS Church Info.
This site is sponsored by the LDS church so the information would be the most correct.

To answer my inquiry, I am Mormon because it makes me happy! Simple as that! Mormon doctrine teaches us to follow the example of Jesus and to follow all of the commandments, not just the convenient ones. The Mormon Church has high standards, I love that! We are taught to be charitable and to love our neighbor, no matter what religion or race, I love that! We are taught to have integrity! Who doesn't love that? We are taught to love our families and that families are so important! I love that! We are free to choose, free agency is very important...sometimes I don't like this one so much, where it applies to my children, but it is God's plan and He knows best. We are taught to be self sufficient...wouldn't the world be in a much better place if everyone had the attitude that they would take care of themselves for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do they part? Sometimes that choice is taken from you and you have to rely on others, but more often than not, if we are prepared, we can take care of our selves and our own.

I don't believe all the church doctrine blindly. I am an intelligent woman and I have questioned and researched the things that I believe! What I have concluded is that living the high standards of God and of the Church makes me HAPPY! I feel loved and accepted by God. I feel peace!

Does everything go my way? Absolutely not! However, lots of things do...I am very blessed! If you have kept up on my blog or read some of the past entries you know I have challenges, just like you! I am grateful for the challenges God has put in my life! I have grown so much! I'm am also grateful that I don't have your challenges...because, I wouldn't fare so well. Give cancer to me...no big deal! Give cancer to my child...now I have to trust that God knows what's best for my child...and all the others that it affects!

Why am I Mormon? Because it makes me happy and I have peace and love in my life! My prayer, is that whatever religion you believe and are a part of, you can have God and Jesus in your life, and feel that same peace and love that resonates in mine!

May I leave you my testimony, that I know that Jesus Christ is real, that He lives and loves us, and He wants us to follow Him, so that one day we can live with Him in heaven. I bear this testimony in His name.

Rose Sweet Holladay

What did summer look like again?

2011-01-12T21:46:00.001-07:00

		Oh Ya! Now I remember!
Near Strawberry Lake

Hope!

2011-01-04T09:46:00.000-07:00

Hope is a powerful thing! Loss of hope can be devastating. But hope, coupled with faith, makes it easier to get up in the morning with a good attitude. It's great to tell people that you're doing fabulous and mean it! I mean it because I have hope that things are going to get better and I am grateful that things are not worse!

We have been blessed in many, many ways, and for that reason, we live an awesome life! Thanks for being part of it!

Cool pics

2011-01-01T14:47:00.000-07:00

This was an odd day in August 2010. The first picture was taken in Orem, Utah and the second is Mt. Timpanogos near my house in Lehi. I thought the lighting was cool and I just happened to have my camera with me.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holladays!

2010-12-26T19:22:00.000-07:00

Spence, John and Jake admiring Jake's new Fender guitar (donated by a secret santa!)

Well, this was the most surprising Christmas we have ever had...thanks to some Secret Santa's! I haven't been this excited for Christmas for a long time! I kept waking up every hour to see if it was time to get up! Finally, I got up about 6:45 and told the boys it was ok to come up now. Zack had gotten in the shower to kill some time...so we had to wait till he got out (although Dave wanted to start without him!).

I like Zack's smile in this one. Notice John's hair cut? NICE!

This was Gennie's first Christmas with kids (since her's grew up)! I think she was excited for Christmas too. I notice she was up and ready to go at 5:30 a.m. (possibly even earlier)! I think she liked it!

This is Michael on the phone with his new BFF, Jessica. For some reason, he couldn't stop smiling!

Oops! My bad! I opened my tool box and accidentally set it on the butter! I didn't notice it until I closed the case....Doh!

I got a call this morning telling me I was being released from teaching Primary. I looked down at the floor and my feet were doing a "happy dance"! I was trying not to sound too excited....but I couldn't help myself! I love my Primary kids (8 y.o.), but going on to my 5th class...I just wanted to be with the ladies again. I actually miss going to Sunday School and Relief Society! Studying for a Primary class is not the same as studying for an adult class. My church bag will be much lighter...no crayons, scissors, glue, tape or snacks to carry around. I suspect I won't have to remind the adults to sit on their bottoms on the chair and to be reverent...maybe. ;)

Christmas Parties

2010-12-23T20:05:00.000-07:00

I invited some of my friends over for a Girlfriend Breakfast (actually I had to have two because they all couldn't come on the same date). Seriously, I could have invited just about every woman in our ward, but too much stress to try and do that on my own. This is my friend, Emily. She had her dad call to tell her mom that she wanted to come have breakfast with us. It took me 4 tries to get a picture of her with a smile and her eyes open. Anyway...it was fun having many sweet friends over and to load up on Christmas hugs!

My sis-in-law, Cindy Sweet, had the guys hold these pictures of santa up while everyone sang a song. They cards are suppose to spell SANTA. I missed this, but Sam had Jake take his letter to the end and then it spelled SATAN. My family is such a crack up!

Santa made an appearance

I don't know, exactly, why James is in my family picture...maybe he's Santa's Helper!

Aunt Belva and Uncle Bob are adopted Sweets.

These two little boys cracked me up. They were at the church for a scout meeting, saw the party and decided to help themselves to our dinner. Our parties are so cool we get party crashers! LOL

No pics, but we went out to Saratoga Springs for a yummy steak dinner for the Holladay Christmas party! The food was sooo good, I ate too much! It was great to see most of the Holladay clan.

My primary class came over for a party. I had boy gift bags and girl gift bags. One of the girls wanted a boy gift bag because she loved cars! I told her I didn't mind, but the boy who got her bag might.

Now I just want to curl up in my soft chair, by my fake Christmas tree and my fake fireplace and relax.

If you want to read what my family has been up to this past year, you can read my blog...so no family update letter. Let's just say we are doing good right now. This year has brought lots of surprises...some good, some not so much.

I'm not sure what kind of year I should wish for next year. No challenges means no growth. I suppose I will wish to be prepared for whatever this next year holds in store, treasure all the good times, appreciate the peace in my heart and the love of my family and friends.

My Christmas wish for you, is that whatever life brings you this year, may you never feel alone or unloved. Don't be afraid to close the doors on the bad stuff. If something makes you sad, it's ok to change the subject. Always look up when you only feel like looking down. Trust that God knows what's best. Do the best you can and let Him fill in the blanks. No one is more awesome at doing that than He is. Look for the good and you will find it. Smile, then get someone else to...everyday! I wish each of you a peaceful, happy heart.

God Bless!

I'm not complaining...

2010-12-16T18:05:00.001-07:00

I'm not complaining, but I'm not too excited to take Jake up to the hospital tomorrow. His counts have bottomed out again! He is getting transfusions and platelets in the morning. I don't mind going up to the hospital, but Jake hates it...I guess because it takes so long...or maybe it's the pokes or the throwing up he doesn't like. It couldn't be the fabulously comfortable chairs he gets to sit in for hours at a time (oh wait! That sounds like complaining!).

The people at the clinic are great and try their best to make Jake comfortable...but after 23 weeks of treatments, I can't blame him. Bummer we couldn't have been there when the Jazz make their annual visit! I used to work up there when Jerry Sloan was the asst. coach and Frank Layden was the head coach. We had our picture taken with Frank the day before he announced his retirement. The players are just super with the kids! Mark Eaton is taller than he looks and Carl Malone is actually a very nice guy! John Stockton was very quiet, but super nice, as was Jeff Hornacek and Blue Edwards...but I digress...

Well, whatever...(whatever was voted the most annoying word in 2010...fyi), we'll make the best of it! To change the subject, I received a Willow Tree Angel of Light last night from the Children with Cancer Christmas Foundation. They gave Dave a tool set and we got a Christmas Turkey! Way cool! The two younger boys got to pick out a present to keep or give to someone else. The night before, they had a party where they let us pick a few nice gifts for Mike and Spencer and they were super nice and got some awesome stuff to surprise Jake and John with Christmas morning. Dave and I were so surprised and grateful for the generations of strangers! Seriously, I gasped out loud when I saw what the got for Jake! (then the grateful tears..) I can't wait to see Jake's face when he opens it! I'll try to record it and post it so you can all see next week.

I have to admit, I love that all my primary kids have been bringing me little treats and presents and notes. I teach the 8 year olds. Here are the last two: Dear Sister Holiday, I love you. I'm going to miss you. Thanks for all you do to us. Sencery, Makayla

To Sis. Holladay, Your Awesome! From Mike

I'll be their teacher for 2 more weeks! I love to watch these kids grow up! I asked them a couple months ago who threw fits still. Most of them raised their hands. I then informed them that they are too grown up to throw fits. Some of them were surprised, but perhaps their parents will be happy to know that for the most part, they were very respectful all year and tried the hardest to be reverent when they were suppose to. If at times they were restless and forgot, they were quick to obey when I gently reminded them of the behavior I expected from them. Usually it only took a tussle of their hair or a little hug or sometimes the "reverent R". They all know that I love them and they had no problem being awesome!

Chemo: Week 23

2010-12-14T21:58:00.000-07:00

I voted to sit this one out. John (Jake's twin) was elected to do the "Brother Bonding". His counts are down again so it looks like another transfusion Thursday or Friday.

Zack surprised me and asked if I would go work with him. He said he wanted some "mommy bonding time"! I didn't have anything pressing on my schedule so mommy bonding it was!

I had an OMH moment tonight...Our family was invited to be a part of the Children with Cancer Christmas Foundation. They have 2 nights of activities. The first night (tonight), there was a nice dinner for the adults and you were given some tickets and a number. When they called your number, you enter a room filled with gifts. An elf (Bob) helped us select some gifts for the two younger boys, plus a few extra things. Since Jake is going through his treatment right now, they made an exception and got special gifts for him and John! Dave and I were so touched by their generosity...let's just say, we were both choked up about it. I just couldn't believe that strangers would go to so much trouble for our boys...for Jake! Many in the room and many of the volunteers either had cancer survivors or had lost children to cancer. I had the hardest time socializing with the other parents because my heart couldn't handle all of their heartbreaking stories!
Is that a bad thing?
Maybe it will get easier when I can label him a cancer survivor. Perhaps it's hard because it opens the "what if" door...that's just not therapeutic for me...not yet.

Chemo: Week 22

2010-12-12T22:07:00.001-07:00

We tried something different this week. We were suppose to do the overnight chemo this week, but in the past 22 weeks, Jake has grown to loath everything about the hospital. We opted to try the long chemo in clinic. We actually started the night before with some hydration. This is Jake's nurse, Karen, accessing his port. The pharmacy sent us some saline and it ran all night, until 5:30. They trained me on how to disconnect the IV, so I did that and we went to the hospital. We had to wait for about 1/2 hour for the nurses to get things started, so there is no sense going in that early. We had to wait for the pharmacy to mix up the chemo, but all in all we were able to leave at about 6:15 p.m. He had to be on IV fluids until 11:00 pm. The nurse trained me how to de-access his port. I was able to get the nurse to start the IV fluids before we left the hospital, so I wouldn't have to push saline and heparin (which makes him throw up every time.). My aim was to keep as much food in him as possible. I didn't even have to push the saline at 11 for him to get nauseous. I was pretty nervous to have to play nurse...but we got through it fine (big sigh). Jake decided he liked it much better. It makes for a long day in clinic, but at least he gets to go home with me.

My bro-in-law, Bob invented some gel that you can use as disinfectant. It sterilizes the area for up to 4 hours. He has some that has moisturizer in it so we can use it for hand disinfectant. It doesn't have that alcohol smell that makes Jake nauseous either, so I am excited to try it.

Only 18 weeks left! :)

Nice!

2010-12-05T21:10:00.000-07:00

The Christmas Broadcast from the first presidency and the Mormon Tab. was quite nice! I like cozying up to my fake fire in my fake fireplace with my fake Christmas Tree and listen to a nice Christmas message.

I have all my Christmas parties scheduled and pray that I don't lose my phone because that is where I keep my calendar (I have 9 things scheduled for tomorrow!).

I have a goal this month to not let myself get caught up in the pity party! If you catch me complaining about anything this month, please remind me that I'm not welcome at that party anymore!

A few of my friends got together and helped me make a *** for Jake, for Christmas (you never knew when Jake is going to check out my blog...Hi Jake! ). I was very touched that so many showed up...so many that there wasn't room enough for everyone to help at the same time. The other gift for me was being able to see and visit with a few sweet friends. Many hands make quick work so we had it done in no time. One sweet sister made sure everything was cleaned up and put away before she left and she brought a sweet something to share. It's a nice Christmas memory that I will not soon forget...well, as old as I'm getting, my mind might forget, but my heart will always remember!

One of the kids in my Primary class asked me..."If Jesus is Mormon, why does he have long hair?" My answer: "If Jesus put on a suit, got a short haircut and shaved his face, would you recognize him?" I'm just saying...

I am grateful to have all my family here around me. I am grateful that God blessed me with an abundance of awesome friends and neighbors!

Big Hug!

Weekend Update!

2010-11-28T20:18:00.000-07:00

I was successful at not getting any new pics this weekend, so here is one from this summer.

Thanksgiving was nice. We had it at my mom's church. I noticed three people who were exhausted...my mom, my cousin Sandra and Jeremy (bro.-in-law). When I was young (not too long ago), we used to have a talent show at the end of Thanksgiving. The parents would be in the kitchen putting the final touches on the food and we (the angelic children) would go in the basement, to the primary room and practice singing some songs. Some of the cousin's would play the piano and some of us would sing. It was some great memories! We did a talent program after this year's dinner. It was fun to see how brave the little ones could be to stand up in front of a crowd and sing their little hearts out. Fabulous! Jake's ANC counts were also fabulous, so he got to come with us. He didn't hang around the bulk of people all of the time (just to play it safe), but all of my boys were there, and that made it a Thankful Day for me! Good food, good company!

Friday, Jake had some blood drawn and the usual labs done. Unfortunately, his ANC dropped back down to zero and they wanted to give him a transfusion. I asked if he could wait until Tuesday, when we come in for chemo. They said as long as he wasn't too sick or tired it was ok. I grounded him to the house until Tuesday...so far, so good.

We were able to get some of our shopping done this weekend. We're not the kind to enjoy standing in line, in winter weather for long periods of time to save a few bucks. Been there, done that. We did get up and play some fun racquetball...fun cause we won, but at the cost of taking a few hits. We also went out to dinner with some old college friends. We decided we should get together more often because it took too long to catch up on everything! We see each other at least once a year, but it's just amazing how much our lives have changed in these past 25 years. All of our kids are teenagers or older. Let me just say, I'm grateful for the challenges I face and not anyone elses!

Saturday was the BYU/Utah game. I love watching the game with avid BYU fans...since I'm not one. They just loved picking on me the first 3/4 of the game...giving me a hard time about the score! The game ended BYU 16, Utah 17!!! SWEET! I wore a nice red skirt to church to silently rub it in a little...not that I'm gloating or anything! ;)

Sunday brought a lovely snow storm! We had to move all the cars into the driveway, so it was a pain to get in and out to church, but I love the snow...just not the wind. I got the tree up and the lights on yesterday...but that's as far as I got with that. I'm ready to listen to Christmas music now. I think the radio stations ruin Christmas music for me when the play it all of November and December. I can only take so much of Rudolph and Santa...same 8 songs by different artists...over and over again. I am loving singing the songs in choir. I don't know how the choirs are where you are, but ours is really fun!

Well, thanks for stopping by my blog! If you could do me one favor...the day you read this, step out of your comfort zone and do a nice thing for someone you would not usually do for. It's the best prescription for the Holladay, I mean the holiday spirit.

When I think of you, I smile...with a grateful heart. Even if I've never met you, I think you're awesome for showing up in my life...just by reading a little about mine.

May God bless you and yours this sweet Christmas season!

Big Christmas hug!

Chemo: Week 19

2010-11-19T23:26:00.001-07:00

This is the picture in Jake's hospital room.

This is Jake telling me to quit taking pictures of him.

Well, it has been a long week...for me. We were suppose to go in for chemo on Tuesday, but they asked us if we wanted to wait until Wednesday. We had an appointment with the Radiology doc, which was not very productive.

Jake hates the overnight stays at the hospital so we inquired as to the possibility of him not having a hospital stay, but just getting chemo in the clinic. We would have to stay all day, but that's a lot less time than staying over night. They are going to try it on our next scheduled overnight stay. We'll see how it goes!

The best news was that Jake gained a couple pounds! He is really trying to eat more so he can heal faster! He still has some color in his face from his last transfusion...oh maybe I didn't mention that. Jake's counts were critically low a couple weeks ago. His skin was so pale! The nurse said he needed to come in for a transfusion on Friday, so since Dave was home, I let him have a turn doing the Jake-hospital bonding time. They gave him 3 liters of blood instead of 2 and topped it off with a bolus of platelets. Unfortunately, Jake spiked a fever while he was at the hospital so they made him stay overnight on a regimen of antibiotics. Jake called me and begged me to get the doctors to release him to home. He said he hated the food, so I made him a sandwich and some jello (his request) and made the 45 min. drive up the the hospital to comfort my poor Jakey. I had to drive home in a big snow storm and only 2 hours sleep the night before, but Jake's worth it.

Here is Jake who wasn't happy because just he threw up the yummy sandwich I had brought him from home.

Chemo continues to damage Jake's body. He continues to have more numbness in his hands and feet and is losing a lot of strength. He's trying to stay upbeat, but the treatments are getting tiring for all of us. (sigh!) The doctors and nurses keep encouraging us to stay strong and the prayers are really helping, so thank you, all!

Next week will mark the half way mark of chemo treatments. April 12, 2011, is the last schedule chemo treatment. That will be my new favorite day! (happy thoughts!)

Help! I'm falling apart! Today I was chewing on a tootsie roll and one of my crowns came out! I'm going to put it under my pillow tonight and see if the tooth fairy will give me a refund!

My dryer broke so I had to replace it. Did you know that not many stores stock gas dryers? I finally found one at RC Willey! Unfortunately, when we tried to hook it up, the fittings were different! (Why in the world do they not make these things universal?) Well, as soon as we got it hooked up and turned the gas on, it smelled like leaking gas. I called the gas company to come see why it was leaking. I didn't want my house to blow up because I was trying to dry my clothes. I got my hair permed that day so the combination of the two smells was giving me a headache! I even had the gas guy put his meter near my hair to see if it was toxic! He told me that the connections were fine and the gas leak was in the dryer. I called RC Willey and they brought out a new dryer and switched them out. The delivery guy put some goop in the adapter connection and now I don't smell the gas anymore. Unfortunately, I now have a cold and I can't smell anything anymore. (I think I caught it from my Uncle Bob after I gave him a kiss on the cheek at his 93rd b-day party and my Aunt told me later he had a bad cold...thanks for sharing!).

Today, I played Leon (age 72) and Dave racquetball (Dave was playing right handed this time) and I beat them! OK, technically I was ahead and we ended the game early because someone else wanted to play with us, but still...I was ahead! hehe. Well, Dave and I had fun playing today.

I knew this was the last day to get the leaves cleaned up before it grew cold and nasty, so after I got home and Dave fixed me some nice breakfast, I changed and raked the leaves into piles. The wind started to kick up so I asked Jake & John to come out and pick up the leaves for me, before they blew all over again. To my surprise, they came out and got to work! They weren't getting them up faster than the wind was blowing them so we had to call for back up! We got Dave to come join in the "family bonding time"! When Zack got home, he took my old dryer and the 6 bags of leaves to the dump and when Spence and Mike got home, they got to do pooper scooper.(Oh the fun times we have together!!!)

Letter to a friend...

2010-11-12T22:51:00.000-07:00

Thanks Cathy! It means a lot to me to not be forgotten.

Dave and I were talking today and I mentioned how blessed I felt that I was receiving some amazing strength from heaven. I truly believe that people are praying for us from here and in heaven, and this gives us strength and extra blessings!

I had to give a funeral talk a few years ago. It, in and of itself was an amazing experience. The person that died actually came to me when I was writing the talk and told me what he wanted me to say. He was shot and killed suddenly, so he didn’t have a chance to bid a proper good-bye to his family. You know how the tears flow and I get choked up when I’m at the pulpit. Well, I prayed for strength to get through that talk without blubbering, because it would have taken away the spirit I was hoping would rest upon the congregation. I don’t know how to describe it, but it was like someone poured extra strength ability to speak without falling apart into my veins! I was bound up with some kind of power beyond my own possibilities! I know it was because of prayers in my behalf.

That is what I am feeling now…bound up with some kind of power beyond my own. I feel an unbelievable amount of patience and peace. The speed has increased in how fast principles of the gospel are being deeply rooted into my understanding and into my heart. I am so amazed at the tender mercies I receive and I love how God points them out to me, and how he shows me over and over and over again, how much he loves me! It’s like entering into a beautiful spring garden and he is showing me all the beautiful things he knows my heart will delight in.

Sometimes trial, tribulation and heart ache are the keys we need to use to get into these places of beauty, light and understanding, but especially love. How interesting that these same keys open two doors…they can also open doors to despair, sorrow and hopelessness. How awesome is it that we have the agency to choose which door we go through.

I was at a doctor’s office the other day and an older man mentioned that he wished he could go back and change his life. I reflected on my life and what I had been through so far. Repeat…No Thanks! It was hard enough the first time! I prefer Jesus’ plan…repent and start fresh…every day! Fabulous!

When I think back on this challenging time, I don’t think I’m going to remember the worries and sad moments, or the heart wrenching moments watching Jake suffer through the cancer treatments, so much as I will remember the warm feelings, the testimony building moments, the blessings and the closer relationship I gained with my Savior and Heavenly Father. Hard? Yes! Worth it? Yes! Would I want to do it again? No…because I have already traveled this road and I would like to try something else…seriously!

My peace is, that no matter how hard or wretched the journey, the sweetness, love and amazing blessings are on the other end of the pendulum and are equal in strength and magnitude!

I didn’t mean to write a sermon! It’s very therapeutic for me to write what’s in my heart. It helps me to feel more grateful when I share, so thanks for listening.

Love you guys!

What a Beautiful Place!

2010-10-29T23:47:00.000-06:00

It's almost like a palace, isn't it?

(more to come...It's almost midnight and I'm just too tired to post the rest)

Chemo: Round 16

2010-10-29T23:02:00.001-06:00

Please keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times!

The CT Scan showed the candy in his pocket.

You'll have to click on this picture to see the full effect. To the right of the capital building is LDS Hospital where 4 of my boys were born. Occasionally we get a nice view from Jake's hospital room. Last time, we had a nice view of the parking garage! See the storm rolling in? I had to drive home in a huge snow storm!

Ever since Jake found out he had cancer he has been wearing two different shoes because one of the shoes rubbed on his toe wrong and gave him an infection. He ended up having his toenail removed. I finally asked him if he wanted a new pair of shoes (I thought he was making a fashion statement). He said, "yes, that would help!" Hmmmm, all this time I thought he liked wearing his shoes like this!

Here's Jake with some of his Conkerr Cancer pillow cases. They let him pick some colorful pillow cases when he is admitted, to brighten up the drab white colors of the hospital. The tubes connected to him (which are actually connected to line up by his heart) are where they give him saline to make sure he is hydrated enough so the chemo doesn't fry his insides (too much). When he is hydrated enough, they push the chemo through this IV that goes directly into his arteries. I hate to think what it is doing to his heart!

He often brings his own blanket from home. I have to wash everything when I get it home because it is toxic from his sweat. He is smiling...for me. He gets hardly any sleep because he has to go to the bathroom every hour. The best part of the hospital stay is coming home.

Besides losing his hair and his appetite, he is losing a lot of strength and feeling in his fingers and toes. I have to open toothpaste and water bottles for him. He is down to 125 lbs. It's getting harder and harder to find a place to give him his shots. I have to make him double up and pinch the skin together to fabricate fat.

Love you Jake! Hang in there, bud!

Happy Birthday Gennie/Grandma!

2010-10-29T21:52:00.000-06:00

Gennie/Grandma Holladay turned 89 on her birthday! She wanted fish and veggies for her special dinner, so that's what we had.

The Reports are in!

2010-10-26T18:29:00.000-06:00

I forgot my card reader, so the pictures will have to come later.

So we did the evaluation and a scan to determine how Jake has responded to his cancer treatment.

The scan shows that the lymph nodes that were swollen before have completely gone down! His tumor has shrunk down to about half it's size. He is, apparently, improving at a normal rate.

Now I was ready to ask the scary question, what was his prognosis. Well, they don't know yet. They are hoping that the cancer disappears, but won't know for sure until they can test for the next 5 years and come up cancer free on a continuous basis. Things look positive, though, so thank you for your prayers in his behalf.

Big Day Tomorrow!

2010-10-25T23:03:00.000-06:00

I don't know why I'm a little nervous for tomorrow! Jake is getting some retesting done to evaluate how the treatment is going. So far it has been mostly good news...but I fear there may be something heart breaking that we don't know about yet. I stocked up on hugs from my friends on Saturday, just in case...

I remember when...

2010-10-24T23:44:00.000-06:00

It wasn't too long ago, when my greatest worry was what to fix for dinner, how I was going to lose this extra weight and getting my kids through school. I used to spend time clipping coupons, finding good deals on household items, planning get-togethers for family and friends, and the latest craft item in Homemaking. No big challenges to handle, just being and doing.

I was just floating along, really. No need to know how to swim because I was always close to shore and could stand up if I got tired of paddling. I wondered, then, what my next life challenges would be. Now it feels as if I were thrown into the ocean, sometimes feeling it swallow me up in its massive, unforgiving, uncontrollable movement! Unknown territory! A place where your experience, wisdom and knowledge doesn't help you now.

In the movie, Other Side of Heaven, when the men are thrown into the ocean with no land in sight, just huge waves crashing down on them, how would they know what direction to swim or if there was ever hope of reaching land while they were still alive? Who finds their way in the middle of the ocean? No landmarks to go by! In the middle of a storm, you don't even have the heavens to show where you are!

I think the worse thing to do is to give up or do nothing. Sinking is not moving forward.

There is always hope and courage to kick your legs and move your arms, to move forward. Sometimes you find a life preserver to rest on while you find strength to go on. Sometimes another swimmer comes along and pulls you up from the depths of the sea, just long enough for you to catch your breath and keep going. You never know what God is going to send you to help you, but you know He will not forget. He is aware and He will send you everything you need to make it through this storm, this challenge. Amazingly, you see others trying to face their own challenges. Sometimes they are swimming in the same current you are. You find that even though you are struggling to make it through your own storm, reaching out and lifting them gives you more strength and power than you could imagine was possible!

Sometimes you wonder, isn't it enough that I have to swim this ocean? Must there be waves to conquer, and rain and thunder and lightning and sea creatures? Isn't it enough that I'm cold and wet and tired and afraid?

But, you keep going, one day at a time...and you learn things along the way, things that you would have never learned on dry land. Things like patience, empathy, faith, long suffering, endurance, hope, love, what things you should value and cherish, what is truly unimportant...

...and when it's over, and were given the choice, would you choose not to make the journey?

UEA Weekend

2010-10-17T20:24:00.002-06:00

Dave took a few days for UEA weekend. We hadn't been down to see Uncle Jack for a long time, so we loaded up the boys that were left home (Zack and Spencer) and headed South. Dave got to help Uncle Jack feed the cows and I got to be the cook. I love to make some good home cooking for Uncle Jack because he lives the bachelor's life and great meals are few and far between. The picture above is Maple Canyon. I have some great memories here. Uncle Jack and I used to ride up this canyon on the 4 wheelers. Now he's 83 and doesn't go up much anymore. He seems to get cold a lot lately. I love the contrast of the rocks and trees here! Our family used to camp here once a year and have a blast! Now it's been overtaken by rock climbers. The locals don't come here anymore. It's still beautiful, though!

Spencer, Uncle Jack, Alan Bailey and Alan Bailey

Alan is my cousin by marriage (if you really stretch it!). He helps Uncle Jack out all the time. He lives in Fountain Green. He drove his team of horses over with his grandson, Alan. He's pretty cool! We like to kid and joke around! He's good folks!

Bahbye Now!

Dave was having some allergy issues so we came back home Friday night, but not before we had some delicious pot roast, mashed potatoes and gravy! I checked on Jake on the way home and he was feeling ill. I had John check to see if he had a fever and he did. He was down in St. George visiting John and he forgot (so he says) to take his Neupogen shots with him. His Uncle Scott is an OR nurse, but he was out of town (I'm sure he still doesn't know that Jake had to go the the ER). Anyway, I called the on call doctor and they said to take him into the ER to get some antibiotics. I'm so proud of Tyson (cousin) for having the smarts enough to call the bishop and have him give Jake a blessing before they took him in. I was freaking out a little not being able to be there with Jake and make sure he was getting taken care of properly. John did a good job, though. They finally got checked out at 2 a.m. Jake got home about 5:30, 6:00 p.m.

I got a call from an ER nurse requesting Jake to come back in and get admitted to the hospital. The Hem/Onc consult doc wanted to give him some more antibiotics. I politely told her "No Thanks! We will follow up with our own docs here." Jake wanted nothing to do with going back to the hospital! Last time we had an ER visit, he was fine in the morning. It didn't work out the same this time! He still had a fever of 101. No doctors I trust were available Saturday evening. I knew I had to get some more antibiotics in him and some food. With a little medical background, some research, common sense and a lot of faith, I found something that worked! His fever was down this morning and completely gone by this afternoon!

I was pretty stressed and emotional all morning because the choir was meeting at my house and I wasn't sure if I would have to take Jake back to the ER this morning. Wasn't sure if I could give my Primary lesson either. It all worked out...somehow. I was strengthened my some friends and the spirit at church. I did get choked up, however, when they sang I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus in Primary because it now reminds me of John leaving home. Jake gets another round of labs in the morning and if the counts are good, then we will stay the course. If not, we will take a trip up to the clinic.

You know, I was so looking forward to a break from all this! I guess it was silly of me to think, No chemo, no problems! Sigh!
Next!

Jake update 10/15

2010-10-15T23:08:00.001-06:00

See Jake's Blog

10/10/10

2010-10-10T21:27:00.002-06:00

Well, I don't have any pics to share with this update, but this one about sums up what it looked like for John to leave home. He hasn't accumulated much, so he didn't have much to take. The most important things he wanted to pack were his golf clubs and his paintball stuff. That's about all he took when he left home a few years back...he just wanted his golf clubs and paintball stuff. Clothes were secondary items. He borrowed the truck and headed to St. George to make a life for himself. I attended a baptism of one of my Primary girls in the morning and reminisced about the day Jake and John were baptized. His short life replayed itself in my mind and I found myself sobbing through the song, "I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus". (I'm having a mommy crisis! It's allowed!) I went home and helped him pack everything into the truck. I took him to lunch, but couldn't talk much without coming to tears. He thinks I won't miss him much because I still have a house full of people here, but I will miss everything about him that I love. I told him I was going to have a good cry after he left. He said, "Oh, like you did when Zack left?" That's the one! That is the cry that lasts for months. I broke down on the first hug good bye and told him, "Don't get me wrong! I'm glad you are getting on with your life, but I'm going to miss the heck out of you!" I told him he might understand when he has his own kids just how much I love him. Then I said, "Never mind! Guys don't get this and you'll never be a mom!" He agreed. Then he did a couple of things. I hugged him again before he left, then I watched the tail lights disappear around the corner with my son. (Sigh!) Bye Bye Baby Boy! I Love you with all my breaking heart!

Jake & John

September/October

2010-10-03T17:54:00.001-06:00

Dave let me shoot his AR15...every shot dead on! Mostly I like to shoot the 22's. I had fun popping the heads off those flowers! I'd laugh every time I'd hit one! :)

Mt Timpanogos from the West side of the lake.

Iva and Gennie went with me up AF Canyon for a look at the fall colors. Isn't she a cutie! :)

I love this canyon!

This is chemo Jake. He is like this for about 2 days after chemo. My friend, Sylvia, made this blanket for him because he spends the hot summer days wrapped up in quilts and blankets. It's about 75 degrees in the house.

This is one of my favorite places to go! I think it's called Strawberry Ridge.

Dear God...

2010-09-29T23:37:00.000-06:00

Dear God,

I won't ask why, and I'm not mad.

I know this will be over sometime, and I know that You know how much my heart breaks to see my child in pain.

Thanks for being there for us! Thanks for sending many angels to help us through this!

Some give gifts of love.

Some give gifts of service.

Some give gifts of monetary means.

Some give gifts of prayer and faith.

Some give courage and hope.

Some give a listening ear and a hug.

Some give words of encouragement and comfort.

Some give thoughtful gifts to remind us that we are loved and thought of often.

Some give us gifts that make us laugh.

Thank you so much for the many lessons I have learned through this experience! Lessons of compassion and service, patience and understanding, how to be optimistic and hopeful without losing sight of reality.

You haven't told me yet, what the outcome will be, and it scares me a little. But I trust you, Father, and I know You will do what is best for Jake and for all of us. Sorry you have to keep reminding me, but thank You for doing it often.

Thanks for showing me how to avoid the "Pity Puddles". It really works! Of course, You knew that already!

I knew You loved me, I just didn't know how much! Thank you for reminding me, again and again and again and again.... I will never get tired of the different ways You show me.

Love,

Hebrews 12:12

2010-09-26T20:53:00.000-06:00

Hebrews 12:12
Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees;

Dear Iva,

I'm thinking about you today, because since your stroke, your hand hangs down...and let's not forget those feeble knees! I know it's difficult for you to not be the lifter, but you do lift my spirits when I see the progress you have made! You keep trying and you work hard every day to improve the movement in your limbs and to make your memory work right.

What a blessing for me that you moved even closer...right next door! I can pop in much more often! :) You and John are such great examples for me and my family. Thanks for letting me be a part of your life because when I am lifting your hands, you are lifting mine.

Love you!

Rose

Happy Face!

2010-09-24T14:37:00.001-06:00

No more shots this week! Counts are up!

New Blog!

2010-09-21T13:08:00.000-06:00

My niece, Arianne, got together with her sisters and mom and put together a blog to keep updates on Jake and to make it possible for those who would like, to make contributions to Jake's ever mounting medical bills. http://forthesakeofjake.blogspot.com/

I don't have the heart to ask, but I do have a grateful heart that appreciates all they and you have done for us.

Some of you received an email from me that they put together. If you could pass that on to anyone who might be interested, that would be awesome!

Thanks for your interest in Jake and his well-being!

You Look Like Charlie Brown!!!

2010-09-21T06:18:00.001-06:00

I suppose it was bound to happen. We took Jake out to eat for several reasons, partly to see if we could put some weight back on him and partly because Dave wanted to continue the celebration of completing radiation therapy. Monday is usually a good day for appetite for Jake because it's just before his next chemo treatment. There was a young man at the door, and as we were leaving he started yelling that Jake looked like Charlie Brown and how he hated that guys shaved their heads!

Sorry Jake! I'm so glad that there are only a few people are like that. Most people ask me how you are doing and are concerned for you. They pray for your return to good health. Still, there are many who don't understand that your baldness was not your choice. If it were up to you, your hair would be down in your eyes again! Then there would be those people who would wonder why you don't get your hair out of your eyes! Thanks for your patience, Jake! We love you no matter where your hair is!
Jmom

Yeah Jake! :)

2010-09-19T09:51:00.000-06:00

Sigh, cry...

2010-09-14T22:27:00.000-06:00

Chemo round 10: another hospital stay, another bunch of bills...30 more weeks of this! Ugh!
I know, I know....hang in there, chin up, have faith, just keep swimming....
It's hard to keep a good attitude while you watch your child deal with getting his insides fried and getting so skinny, you can't find any fat on his body to give him the shot he needs. It hurts enough to make a grown man cry, but he doesn't...but he winces in pain, pain that I am causing him...it's breaking my heart!

Maybe I shouldn't write about the hard days. Not very inspiring is it.

Well, here is the part where I count my many blessings:
1. Radiation will be over on Thursday! :)
2. My friend, Jenene, helped me clean out the freezers...less mess, less stress!
3. Jake has not had the worse side effects from Radiation and Chemo.
4. The swelling is getting better.
5. I can still get Jake to smile...most of the time.
6. I received some beautiful flowers on Sunday to remind me that I am loved.
7. One of my sweet Primary girls made me some cute magnets to put on my fridge.
8. I still have Hope!

I've been thinking lately...

2010-09-09T23:02:00.000-06:00

I have a favorite Aunt who would always make me feel special when I went to visit. I felt we had bonded in a way that no other relative had. Come to find out, she made everyone feel that way. That's why we love her so!

I think Jesus is that same way. He has a unique way of making you feel like you are connected to Him like a special friend. I like that! I like knowing that we all have a chance to be close to Him and He is the one who will always be there for us! You can talk to Him any time you want...He's not too busy to listen. Never a line to wait in to talk to Him. You're never put on hold and have to listen to advertisements or some silly lady's voice telling you what number to push to talk to Him directly. And when you feel the saddest or when your heart is broken, that is when you feel His love the most.

Amazing how He can make each of us feel that way...I was just thinking...

My Crazy Family

2010-09-07T23:59:00.000-06:00

Put boys in front of a box of legos and it keeps them busy for hours!

Liz! Always a little blurry!

Emery giving grandma a wet hug!

Sam just remembered he left his lips home!

Mike hiding behind a tree so the fish can't see him!

Dave assuming the position...we catch them, he takes them off!

We caught about 30 fish between us!

I like this pic! Zack took it.

This is one of the rocks we rest our poles on. (Moosehorn Lake)

I caught about 10 fish straight out from here...in case you were wondering where the sweet spot was.

My Easter Lily bloomed again!

My little reminder from God that He's thinking of me and I should be thinking of Him!

Chemo: Round 8

2010-09-04T10:02:00.002-06:00

For the first time, Jake went to chemo without me! I was ready to go, but John and Austin wanted to go with him, then go for pizza after. It was our anniversary and I had a bunch of stuff to do, so I was grateful for the extra time off. His blood counts were pretty low so we got to take a trip in and do a blood transfusion after radiation therapy on Wednesday. We are figuring out what "normal" is, and I think Jake is comfortable handling this on his own sometimes.
Jake just did his labs on Friday. All of his counts were up! No more Neupagen shots this week!
Happy Dance!

Happy Anniversary Hon!

2010-09-01T14:31:00.001-06:00

Well, not Happy Anniversary to the ladies, but the cute guy on the right. The pics I took on our anniversary saved to the camera and not my memory card (I don't know why) so we improvise! The day started out well with some racquetball exercise with my friend, Wendy. Then my friend, Janine, brought her two girls over and helped me sort through and get rid of a bunch of papers piled up on my desk and hidden from visitors on top of my dryer. It was getting a bit over whelming and MESS is STRESS at my house.I had only 4 follow up items I had to deal with this morning, but now it is finished...for now. My desk is clear of problems and papers!

Dave came home a little early, loaded up the 4 wheelers and we headed up the canyon. I was surprised that more leaves weren't turning yet, and there were still flowers out! It was cool, clear and beatufuil...and bouncy! My goodness, I can't believe what a bumpy ride it was! We took a turn and discovered some old abandoned mines. We decided to see where the road led. My arthritic thumb was starting to bother me, so I wanted to turn around and go back. Dave wanted to go a bit further, so I followed...like a good wife! I hit a rock with my right front tire and suddenly found myself on the ground! I always wondered how people could fall of 4 wheelers...now I know! My 4 wheeler started rolling backwards down the mountain so I grabbed on to it (still lying on the ground) so I wouldn't have to chase after it. I got up, brushed myself off, check for body damage (mine), hopped back on the bike and kept going. That was not the most exciting part of my trip.

Dave decided to take a bumpy road down the mountain to meet up with the main road. We came to some large rocks blocking the road. I saw it as a sign to turn back. Dave saw it as a challenge. He got the bikes over the first blockade...then we came to the reason they blocked off the road...no road. Most of the road had washed away, but someone had made a trail riding at an angle on the side of the mountain (here is where a picture would help explain)...so no road. Alternative, ride on the side of the hill or fall down the steep mountain...or my favorite, turn back. Dave choose the first! I followed, but got my 4 wheeler pointed in the wrong direction...no stopping, no slowing down, just go for it! I thought I was a gonner for sure, but somehow, with my great skill (hehe) and lots of prayer, I got safely across. I started to tip, but put my foot down and somehow got my bike to go in the right direction! Then we had to get the bikes over the next set of boulders. My remarks to Dave when we were through it: "Let's not do that again!"

When we got back down to the truck, my arm was aching. It felt like it was cracked near the elbow. I was trying to decide if I should go to to the Urgent Care when we got out of the canyon. We hadn't gone out to dinner yet, so I decided to take a pain pill, go out to dinner, then we spent some quality time at Urgent Care. It wasn't cracked, but the bone was bruised. Doctor's orders are not to use my arm for a week to let it heal. I have to use a sling, very fashionable! Our most memorable Anniversary yet!

Life's Little Lessons

2010-08-29T23:51:00.002-06:00

First of all, Jake is doing well. He was a bit ornery this last inpatient chemo, but let's face it, having cancer is no picnic! So he's entitled to bad days on occasion. Jake has kept a pretty good attitude thus far. We are looking forward to round 8 of chemo this week and continuing with two more weeks of radiation therapy, M-F. I asked the Oncologist if they checked the progress and he was doing well, if they would quit the chemo and call it good. She said that it only takes one single cancer cell to have the cancer come back, so it's a full 40 weeks of chemo. April 12th is the target last day of chemo! So far his counts have been good enough to have chemo on the scheduled days, so that's good.

My good friend Jenene was asking me about how things were going. I made the mistake of taking inventory of all that is on my plate at this time. Suddenly I found myself headed for the Pity Party Boat. It's pretty over whelming when I sit and think about everything I have to manage in my life and all of those souls who depend on me to help them with theirs. (Deep breath) I can no longer comprehend all that I have to do...but I have to just take it one day at a time and try to fit all the important stuff in. The thought crossed my mind that maybe I should take a break from teaching Primary, but then the question came... can you afford to lose the blessings that come from that. Later, as I was sitting in church, singing hymns, the thought came...the words to the song is: Count Your Many Blessings...not Count your many challenges!

One of my many blessings is that God puts people in my life so I don't have to don't have to carry my part of my load by myself! Just enough to often remind me that God is aware of my life and my hurts, worries and challenges and He is never too busy or too consumed by other things to be there for me. As amazing as that sounds and incomprehensible to know that He does that for all of His children who will let Him, it is a great comfort and strength to me to be able to depend on that. I can't begin to list all the lessons He continues to teach and remind me of. I am amazed at the lessons He teaches me through all of my daily life moments, through a song, a BYU talk I happen to catch a couple minutes of or a book or article that I glance at. Sometimes it just the act of sharing my testimony or personal experience with someone that testifies of His love for me. It's like I'm on an accelerated learning course and if I duck my head into the self pity bag, I miss all the lessons that He has to teach me. Sometimes, I'll be listening to an old talk and He pricks my heart with a few key words (like: Hey, I want you to listen to this!) then He opens up my level of understanding just a bit more than I had before. Then He waits to see what I will do with that new level of understanding.

So much to learn...so little time!

Waazuuup?

2010-08-22T22:36:00.002-06:00

Lots! But it's 10:30 at night and I'm too tired to share, but be patient...I will soon!

Happy to See You!

2010-08-19T22:35:00.000-06:00

This was a cool pic of the mountains just north of Provo. Doesn't it look like a painting (accept for the building at the bottom)?

Mt. Timanogos, same day.

Uncle Jack got a pacemaker put in so he was showing me his "happy-to-see-you face.

This is his I'm-feeling-so-bad-I'm-in-the-hospital look! Ok, I couldn't click my camera fast enough because he kept cracking up while I was laughing at him! I think he was mostly happy that he was feeling better! That makes me happy too! :)

This is my sweet friend, Iva! This is her happy-to-see-you face! She is recovering from a stroke. Her words are more and more clear every day. We had a nice long visit. That is saying a lot! Love you Iva!!!

Happy Dance!

2010-08-17T16:17:00.001-06:00

Chemo #6: Last week his ANC (ability to fight infection) went down to 0. This is not good. This means we have to give him a shot in the stomach every night...which he hates! It burns when it goes in and for a time afterwards. However, the shots (and prayers) helped because his counts were fabulous today 9.9! He also gained a pound! Who would have thought that gaining weight would be a GOOD thing! Too bad you can't do that by proxy! I would have had him covered for sure! ;)

Next week is another overnight stay. They have Xbox 360's in the rooms, but only one game that's not for little kids (Need for Speed Proshift). If anyone has any games he can borrow for the night, let us know!

It's only August and we already used up all of our Flex spending. Well, we'll just keep paying our tithing and wait for the next miracle to show up!

On a lighter note, Zack and the boys got a short-term job to earn a little money for school and their own bills. Zack is trying to get school registration figured out at UVU.

Mike and Spencer are trying to wrap their minds around the fact that school will start for them next week! Come to think of it, so am I! New Schedule!

Dave is still doing his same old thing. I still try to play racquetball when I can. I'm daring to get back on an exercise program with my niece, Jessica.

Thanks for your continued prayers and thoughtfulness!

Today is a good day! Let's celebrate!

Roller Coaster!

2010-08-16T13:20:00.002-06:00

Life with cancer has really been a roller coaster ride! I had lunch with my brother Sam and we were talking about how he had life so good with a super wife/best friend and 3 awesome boys, fantastic in-laws and lots of close family support. Everyone is relatively healthy, good job, nice ward, nice neighbors. My life was like that not long ago. It made us both grateful for the goodness we have in our lives. He has a neighbor who is having a hard time dealing with the news of his cancer. Even though it is treatable, he has already fallen into hopelessness, which is a very sad state to be in, no matter what your situation is.

You know, my worst day wasn't when the first doctor told me that Jake had cancer, it was when the last doctor told me that there was no hope that he didn't have cancer! Then came the grief and shock and sadness and wondering how this happened to Jake! But then, came the hope again. Hope that the doctors could treat this illness, hope that Jake would be able to withstand the side effects of the treatments and keep a good attitude, hope that I could deal with this without having too many break downs, hope that we could afford the financial strain that comes with treatment, hope that I could manage my life in a way that every good/important thing could stay on my plate and that somehow I could be super woman and handle it all!

Every child dreams of what their life will be like and hardly anyone's lives live up to those dreams. Sometimes they are more fantastic than we could have imagined. Many times there is much more tragedy than we expected and we ask God, "Really! Is this what I signed up for?!" and He'll say, "Yes! Isn't it fabulous how much you've grown already! Don't walk away from the blessings!"

Here is the chemo song I wrote for Emily. Who knew I would sing it for my own child!

Chemo makes me sick!
I don't like it a bit!
I lost my hair!
But I don't care, cause...
I am a child of God
and He has sent me here
has given me an earthly home
with family kind and dear.
Lead me guide me walk beside me
help me find the way.
Teach me all that I should do
to live with Him some day!
(I Am a Child of God words by Naomi Ward Randall)

p.s. Roller Coasters are very exciting to ride!!! Some parts fun, some parts not-so-much! Never a dull moment! :)
Life is good!

Chemo: Round 5

2010-08-10T13:42:00.000-06:00

Jake goes Hawaiian!

Well, last chemo treatment wasn't so bad. Nothing real bad happened afterwords, so we are counting our blessings for that. Radiation started on Monday at the Huntsman Center. So far, no really bad nausea, just a little around 8:00 p.m.

Today, radiation and chemo...can you say "Wipe Out!" I still have to give him shots at night (which he hates) and he has lost 10 lbs, so its hard to find some fat on him to put it in.

Good News: He is responding well to the chemo and radiation. The radiation is low dose and the swelling in his leg has gone down nearly completely.

Bad News: Swelling in other places hasn't gone down at all.

Good News: Side effects of the radiation and chemo are minimal.

Bad News: He has to have a blood transfusion tomorrow, but that's normal.

Good News: I'm thrilled he hasn't had to have any transfusion until now!

Couldn't get through the morning without tears. Trying to be tough as Jake, but some days...

Jake is my hero! He is one tough nut, with emphasis on Nut! He doesn't complain, except when I give him the shots, but not very often. He is very sweet because I know he is concerned about me. I always catch him looking to see if there are tears in my eyes.

A huge thanks to those who brought dinner in for my family last Tuesday! Also to those who do the little reminders to us that they are thinking and praying for us. We so appreciate all the thoughtful gestures, big and small. I've been surprised at how much strength I personally draw from those that love and support us. I realize that it's not like having a baby...you don't just express your well wishes once and then she recovers and gets on with living life; it's a longer drawn out process, and getting on with living life like we used to will be much further away than a week or two...if ever. Thank you for showing me that compassion is appreciated for the long run.

Oh the lessons we learn when we have to take the bumpy road, huh Jill! :)

Chemo: Round 4

2010-08-05T16:19:00.000-06:00

Well, now we know what normal is like. We haven't gotten the bill yet, but the first hospital bill was enough to make me gasp! This was the first time that Jake has felt nauseous. I was feeling pretty nauseous myself this morning. He has some new pain in his neck, but he says the pain medication is taking care of that. He was suppose to start his radiation therapy this afternoon, but we rescheduled it until Monday (no need to kick a guy while he's down!). Then it goes for 28 days. You always want them to pull through with flying colors, but that doesn't always happen. His labs weren't too bad, but his ANC was down to .06, which means his ability to fight infection is down. He is losing his sense of taste. His cereal did not taste good to him this morning. I did get him to eat 1/4 of a chicken burrito and a doughnut. His weight is down a bit.

How are we feeling? Jake is tired. I'm emotional. I'm near tears if I have to say Jake is not feeling so well out loud.

My heart is breaking for my friend Iva, who just had a stroke, and her daughter, Janine, who is taking over the care for her and her father, and her son is leaving on a mission soon. Come to think of it, we had some drama just before Zack left on his mission too. Sometimes it's almost unbearable when you need to be stretched during the challenging times. It's those times when we go to our peaceful place and let the Lord blow all the challenges off our plate, at least for a little bit and we feel His arms wrapped around us as He brushes the tears away and gives us feelings of encouragement, love and understanding. Most of all, He gives us peace and the courage to take another breath, open the next door, take the next step, climb the next mountain, always whispering that you're not alone and you can do this. Then, if you look up instead of down, you see all the tender mercies He has given you and it gives you strength to keep going.

Good one Sylvia!

2010-08-02T22:15:00.000-06:00

We had Jake's hair made into dreadlocks! haha My friend Sylvia brought this hat over to Jake along with a bunch of scarves for different occasions! Fabulous! What a great idea! Thanks Sylvia!

Is it over?

2010-08-01T22:14:00.000-06:00

Is it over? Can I open my eyes yet?

The dreaded Chemo #4 just around the corner. A little nervous for the radiation to start. Still waiting to see what normal is. I can't believe that if there are only 6 in a million that get rhabdomyosarcoma, how 2 of them live a block from each other and diagnosed roughly within a few weeks of each other. Hers is spread much more than Jake's and so she is in the hospital more. Poor little thing!

The Rose family (seriously, a whole bouquet of Rose boys) came over tonight bearing gifts of cookies for Jake. They were so smart to bring them before chemo, when he has an appetite and things still taste good to him! I wish I would have grabbed the camera. Three of the most adorable boys (four if you count dad!) Oh, wait, here's a pic from FB: They are rowdy and fun like my boys were at this age.


Adorable Rose boys!

First trip to the ER

2010-07-27T23:34:00.000-06:00

Things were going ok until I was rubbing his bald head after he came up from a nap and it felt very hot! I checked my "cancer book" to see what temperature I was suppose to call at and he was over that. The doc told me to take him to the ER. I gave him his antibiotics he was scheduled to have and took him in (after he threw up his dinner on the floor)....that reminds me, he probably doesn't have the antibiotics in his system now! All they did for him at the ER was to give him an IV course of antibiotics and some Tylenol and Motrin. His temp is still high, so I have to call the clinic in the a.m. I was trying not to, but I lost it at the check in place (crying not yelling). Scary stuff!

The lost hair...

2010-07-27T13:44:00.001-06:00

Hair, but falling out by the hands full.

The end result!

I told Jake it was ok to get 4 tattoos today! These are the marks they put on him so they can position him exactly the same every time he gets radiation therapy (John said they were his permanent dot-to-dot.).

Jake's counts were still good today, so he still doesn't have to have his shots. We started out at the Huntsman Cancer Center and they took a CT scan of Jake's middle. Next Wednesday they will do a "dry run" of the radiation therapy, then it actually starts Thursday, Monday through Friday for about 28 days (5 1/2 weeks). We should be done with radiation around 9/13.

Chemo went well today. Just a little tired...a lot tired. They warned us that the radiation would make him even more tired. I know it made me tired! (weird side note: I have been getting sympathy symptoms for Jake. After his chemo I started feeling a little nauseous on the way home).

Next week we should go in mid-morning and check into the hospital for the next chemo treatment. He stays overnight and should be released around 10:30 a.m., then we go up to Huntsman to get the test run of radiation. They said that the radiation definitely makes him nauseous so we are really looking forward to that!

You can do hard things!

2010-07-24T09:42:00.000-06:00

I was watching Dr. Oz yesterday and he said you should at least walk 30 minutes a day. I haven't been walking or running at all this year (much to Molly's disappointment!). I do play racquetball 4 times a week, but that's not the same as a good uphill run. Last year I could run down hill and up without stopping (good cardio!)

This morning was the morning I was going to go out and at least walk for 30 minutes (Molly was so excited she was shaking!) I laid in bed for a while, listening to the not-so-quiet snoring next to me, trying to make sure that this truly was the day I was going to go "climb that mountain". The air was still nice and cool, so I made up my mind, slipped into my running clothes, slipped the dog into her harness and off we went. Walking was too easy so we notched it up to an easy jog. We got to the end of the street and and I summed up that long hill, released the dog and started my decent. Knees weren't hurting, so again with the jogging. I was surprised that I wasn't out of breath, but downhill is always easier. Small incline, not too bad. Looped around, another small constant incline, little more work, but feeling good. Nearing the bottom of the hill, still jogging, should I try? Could I actually make it to the top without stopping? No way! Maybe! I'll try! I can do this! Almost there! Here comes the steep part! Yes! I did it! My arms went up, just like my Courage Angel! Then I wept, because He said I could do hard things..and I can!

Can I Share?

2010-07-21T14:21:00.000-06:00

I had the most amazing experience today! I went to the temple because (it's Wednesday) I get so much comfort and strength and guidance when I go there. I felt that I was so wrapped up in worries that I wasn't giving the Spirit any opportunities to talk to me. So today I went to listen.

I went to that special corner in that special room where peace enfolds me like a warm, soft, safe blanket. I was soaking up the serenity and closed my physical eyes. Then I could see them, so many angels had come to see me and give me their comfort and prayers. Some people I had met, some I hadn't, but knew of. There was grandma and grandpa Jackson, Aunt Marie, Aunt Lois, Aunt Enid was there with beautiful La Fern, Dave's dad and brother, John. There was Uncle Fred, Sherry, Aunt Jackie, Aunt Clay, Grandma Sweet and her sister Gladys, my friend Carl Blad and his beautiful wife. Many more friends and many more relatives. There were so many people there I don't know how they even fit in the room. Some were ancestors that I had never met, but knew of through genealogy. The sweetest, though, was my little nephew Thomas. He stood by the side of my chair and rubbed my arm and said, "Don't worry Aunt Rose, it's going to be ok!"

You know, Tom Tom, I think you're right!

Chemo: Round 2

2010-07-20T13:40:00.001-06:00

Well that was very encouraging! The doc was very happy about how much the swelling had gone down in Jake's leg already. I was able to get more questions answered and we were done within 1/2 hour! Jake found a shoe that he could fit on his foot (though he doesn't wear the matching shoe on the other foot). They're both black, so I guess that's close enough (No, he didn't learn how to dress from me...well, he did, but he didn't listen too good! lol). I told the doc that the chemo turned his hair black (and his brother's, and his friend's). She said that was the first time she saw that side effect. Next chemo-next Tuesday. I think we will be doing the radiation planning that day also.

Round 4 of chemo (Aug. 3) is the one that is going to make me nervous. Second overnight stay. Probably a higher dose of chemo. Radiation starting. Nevertheless...so far so good!

Addendum: Blood counts waaaay down, so this isn't so good. :(

I Hope They Call Me on a Mission...

2010-07-19T21:05:00.000-06:00

I hope they call me on a mission

When I have grown a foot or two!

Don't smile Cameron! Don't do it!

How's it going so far?

2010-07-17T22:54:00.000-06:00

Well, it's a little better now. Jake, John and Austin decided to dye their hair black. Not so bad for Jake because his hair will be falling out soon, but it's a decision that John will have to live with for a while longer.

Jake totally lost his appetite until Friday. He had one small bowl of cereal, each day, Tuesday through Thursday (I've got to get me some of that!). Friday, his appetite started to come back. Giving the shots is getting a bit easier, but still stings going in. He has been taking the wrong antibiotic since he's been home...hope that doesn't mess things up. So far, no fever, no nausea (which I'm grateful for cause those pills are $10 a piece!). I had him measure his leg swelling this morning and it was down! Yay!!

Joyce let us use her cabin this weekend so we took a little vacation from the drama (tried anyway). I learned something though, when you try to do something you love while amidst a crisis, it sucks all the joy out of the experience. There were beautiful flowers and I love how the air smells with the weeds and flowers and trees. The breeze on my face would keep the bugs away and the shade of the trees would keep it nice and cool. There were beautiful vistas to see and the sweet companionship of my family. Yet always there was that torturous reminder of worry...does he have enough sun screen on? Are the bugs biting him yet? Is he going to get scratched, then infected? Did he take his pill this morning? Was it the right one? Is he drinking and eating enough? Is he nauseous yet? Is it clean enough? Is the food fresh enough? Is there anyone sick around him? Does he have a fever? Is the swelling going down yet? Are we there yet?

I look forward to the day when the worst thing I have to worry about are my hot flashes! (sigh!) K. Done venting. We are dealing and coping and we appreciate all of your prayers and love and support. Tomorrow, it's Zack's Day! (Big smile)!

Zack's Homecoming/Test Result!

2010-07-14T23:28:00.001-06:00

Zack's Homecoming event will be this Sunday(July 18th), 1:00 pm at our church (1020 E 1900 N
LEHI, UT 84043). We will have lunch-type food right after sacrament meeting.

SHARING TIME: Since Jake's chemo treatment, his immune system is going to be way low. We are asking that if anyone has a cold or any sickness that has germs, to please not come to our home until you are fully recovered. If Jake gets sick from your germs and doesn't have an immune system to fight the infection, he could die from it. Also, we need everyone to remove their shoes and use hand sanitizer when they enter the home. We can't have anyone over that has been exposed to chicken pox.

Jake should be feeling a lot better by Sunday. He was pretty wiped out today and slept a lot. His appetite is way down (and mine is way up!) The bone marrow test came out clean! Extremely happy about that! Dr. Wright doesn't think the last test will show any cancer in it, but that should be done by Friday.

Had a little melt down tonight when I saw all the medical supplies the Home Health Care brought by (and a small heart attack when I saw the bill!) and I couldn't figure out which syringe to use for Jake's shot because none of them looked like the ones we practiced with in the hospital. I don't know how you did it, Jill! The nurse didn't show up until almost 10:00 pm because she misunderstood that she was suppose to come today. It turns out that they didn't send the right syringes and she had to use a spare she had in her car. (Deep breath!) I gave Jake his first shot in the tummy! He was so brave! This was a shot to help keep his white blood cell count up. If his cell counts are too low they will have to do a transfusion before he can get his next round of chemo (scheduled for every Tuesday).

Tomorrow we go to Radiology to find out how his Radiation therapy is going to work out. (big SCREAM!) INFORMATION OVERLOAD!!! (K, that felt better)

Good night! I'm going to my happy place now :)!

First Chemo Treatment

2010-07-12T23:44:00.000-06:00

Well, that wasn't so scary! Jake is still getting his first round of chemo. They had an Xbox in his room, which kept him busy. He didn't really want to pay attention to what the nurse was doing because he was too busy playing a game (silly boy!). Well, whatever keeps his mind off serious stuff.

Many people have asked us why we can keep such a positive attitude about having to deal with cancer. Some confess that they would be asking "why me" or be really upset about their lot in life. One doctor asked how I could be so patient in waiting for test results.

The facts are, there is cancer in Jake's body and we have to deal with it. We aren't being punished for something, we don't have a lack of faith, and we are not bad people. It's not fun, it's not easy, it's not something we would choose to do or have, but it is what it is. We have free agency and we can choose how we deal with our challenges. If we get mad, sad, angry or withdrawn, will that make the cancer go away? Will the test come back the way we want them to or any faster? No. If we chose to have a positive outlook, to have hope and appreciation for those who love and care for us with that change the outcome? No, but the journey will be much more peaceful and less stressful and filled with loving a caring people. It's much easier to see God's tender mercies when your not mad at Him.

If your child falls off their bike when they are learning to ride it, you comfort them, then you hope they will brush themselves off and get back on the bike and learn to ride it without falling. Then someday soon, they will have the joy of riding their bikes all around and feeling the wind on their faces and feel the freedom and joy of riding a bike perfectly. Wouldn't your child be grateful at that point, that you gave them the bike and you were patient enough to help them learn to ride it?

God didn't tell us it would be easy to learn to "ride this bike". But He did promise that He would be there with us every step of the way. And when we fall off, He would be there the wash off the scrapes, give us a hug and help us try again. And someday soon, we will say, "Look Father! You don't have to hold on to the seat anymore!" And we will be grateful that He was patient enough to help us learn to ride this bike. And He will be proud of us, that we learned to do hard things.

God knows each of us. He knows the challenges that we face and how it will help us grow into the potential He sees in us. Just like I want the best for my boys, God wants the best for us. Even though it's not the easiest or most fun way to get there, it is the best way. For me it's a no brainer: Wouldn't you want the Being that knows how it's all going to turn out be in charge? That is where I find my strength and my peace. He gave me friends, family and neighbors to help me bare my burdens. He gave me awesome doctors and nurses who spent time learning about this cancer so that when we brought Jake to them, they would know how to treat it. He gave us other hospital staff that would see to Jake's every need and help him feel comfort from pain. He put angels in my life to take care of my needs and my families needs, plus a little more. He gave me experiences so that I could have the right kind of compassion for others who suffer. He has kept me safe from all harm and accident. He has surrounded me with many of His Holy Houses so that I may go there just about any day to feel of His love, comfort and guidance. He reminds me all the time that I'm not alone, and I can ride this bike!

Jake update 7/12/10

2010-07-12T13:40:00.001-06:00

Jake is out of surgery and just had a bowl of Fruit Loops. We are waiting for the chemo team to come and tell us what our life is going to be like for the next year.

Addendum: If they don't find any cancer in the bone marrow, the regimen will be an overnight stay every 3rd week. The other weeks it will only take about an hour and he can come home. This will be for the first 13 weeks, then they will reevaluate to see if the lymph nodes are shrinking or not. The second 15 weeks will have the same overnight stays, but he will get to skip a couple weeks and not have to come up to PCMC at all. Then reevaluation, then another 15 week course.

The radiation therapy will start on week 4. Most likely he will have to drive up every day for treatment every day, Monday through Friday. We will find out more about this on Thursday.

They take really good care of Jake here. I'm sure they are giving him the best care available.

Uncle Phil

2010-07-11T19:04:00.000-06:00

This is my Uncle Phil. He had a stroke Saturday morning and they took life support off this morning. We was a very sweet, sweet man. Every time I sent pictures to him of my family, he would hang them up in his living room. He always prayed for me and my family. I will miss him!

Sweet Camp Out!

2010-07-11T00:39:00.000-06:00

We went to Fish Lake for our Sweet Family Camp Out. Audrey and Jeremy were in charge and except for the many bugs and cold nights, it was a really fun Sweet Family get-together! The day did not start out as we had planned on Wednesday. Let's back up! Tuesday, Zack came home. We took him straight to the Stake President's office, which happens to be the Church Administration Building, where all of the apostles and President Monsen have their offices. Of course, we got to go there when everyone was on vacation! Just our luck! It is a beautiful building, though. Zack was released from being a missionary and we started for home. Dave took Jake to another appointment so we drove separate cars. Zack took the grand tour of the house then got started cleaning out his closet so he could put all his stuff in there. He took all my stuff out of the closet...the nerve! Now I have to find some place else for all my treasures!

Wednesday, we started to pack and one of the boys noticed a leak from the truck. Well Dave and John pulled it apart and decided it was the radiator. He went down to Checker Auto and bought a new one and installed it, but it didn't have the right connector on it. Dave was really frustrated by this point, so I called a mechanic to see what I should do to get the right part. I got a referral to a place in Salt Lake. Dave began to pull the other radiator out and I ran to SLC to get the right part. As it turns out, we just needed the adapter. Dave and John got everything put back together so then we packed the truck and car and left for the camp out. We didn't get there until after dark. It was freezing cold and none of us brought extra blankets or warm coats. There were lots of deer to be seen on the way up, though.

We just missed seeing Rod, and James was even later than we were! Thursday the theme was Hawaiian. For dinner we had Teriaki Chicken, some yummy pineapple slushy drink, salads and fruit. The boys took the 4 wheelers and they set up a shooting gallery (skeet and target) and took turns doing everything. I was happy to stay in camp and visit with the ladies & James. Jake ran out of pain pills and started hurting, plus he had another appointment to go to on Friday, so we went home.

Fern and Mel made it from the Anderson clan. Aaron and Danielle came too, but they had to leave.

Sam and his clan were dressed in festive orange!

Jake

John

Zack

Dang! I got a picture of the dog, but not Spencer! He was running around all over the place!

Here's grandma Sweet wearing her trucker babe outfit!

and my favorite Holladay!

He's HOME!!!

2010-07-06T17:23:00.001-06:00

Waiting and watching for Elder Zack!

The moment he sees us!

Happy Mommy Hugs

Proud Daddy Hugs

Proud brothers waiting their turn!

Aunt Fernie Hug!

All safely gathered in!

I love my family! :)